F+, for Frustrated and Faltering.

In some aspects it has been a good week and in some aspects it has been a bad week. But today, at the end of my week, I feel icky. That is, physically icky.

My biggest struggle is food. That stuff really has a hold on me. I so wish there was a way to not have to eat. I am ready to quit it cold turkey today. I was not doing good to start with this month. Not lost a pound in three weeks. Then I decide to start fresh and I gain two pounds. I ate junk this week. Not nearly as healthy foods as I had been eating and now I feel sick. I am not talking emotionally sick, I mean achy and painful sick. I don't think I have ever done this to myself. A part of me wants to blame it on the health food. It has made my body incapable of handling real food. And then my reality check tells me that deep fried and gravy smothered is not real food. But it still tastes so good.
I seem to be falling back to my old way of eating. Lots of grease and cheese and so long as no one sees me eat it, then it does not count. Right? I am so messed in the head. There is a very loud part of my head right now that wants to run to the corner grocery store and get their country breakfast with two biscuits smothered in about two cups of sawmill gravy and two eggs with four slices of bacon. Then go lay down and watch the entire series of Firefly. The funny thing is, that is wallowing and I have so much exciting everything else that I should be energized and excited about finishing my third course. But because I ate fried chicken and gravy last night, I am all mopey and wanting to disappear today. Grr! Why is food so potent to me! Why do two of my favorite flavors in the universe have to be so bad for me! Why cannot I not just eat what is good for me and enjoy it. It is not like I don't like vegetables and most of the good stuff. But then I get near the junk food when I am in a good mood and WHAM! I eat it and ruin the next few days because I feel like this. *sigh*
I did read my OA inspiration devotionals about three times this week. I am honestly thinking that I need to get back in a group, but I am not sure I really want to start that intense of an adjustment until I am done with my studies. There is already a ton of new life kind of stuff going on right now, I am afraid that I am just going to overwhelm myself and cause all of it to come down.

On the better side of life. I am pounding away at my studies. I finished two units and three anatomy systems since last I blogged! This is great! I have two systems left to finish course three and start on course four! There are only five courses and the fifth course is supposed to be mostly business class kind of stuff. I pick up on that stuff pretty fast. I am hoping a month and a half. I hope to be gainfully employed by Thanksgiving. *mmm thanksgiving* I got in my dictation peddle and it makes life much easier and has really sped up my time. I am averaging around $18 and hour at $0.40 per line. And my error margin is down to about 16%! This is much better than my 28% just two units ago! I think I will do fine. The university is even considering me employable!

I am doing good about church and better about praying. I would like to do something for the church. You know, my contribution. But most of the things I am good at, my church already has an exceptional person taking care of it. I may look into the church bulletin. It is inconsistent and could be improved, but I do not know if I would be insulting someone if I mentioned it.

I did go to the gym once this week. It is better than none. But not as good as three times. My life in concern to this is a try again. I do not seem to be too upset about it though. I did enjoy hopping on the bike, set to fat burn, and reading for 30 min. But I got a lot later start to my studies than I wanted. Time management is awkward about this still. I am wondering if first thing in the morning is good or not. But I do settle into work faster when I do. I am calmer about it too. I just need to keep finding books I like to read and consider it my reading time. Maybe that will work. I mean I will not be able to weight train, but something is better than nothing.

I went out last night with a new friend! She is awesome and cute and does not get frustrated with me when my off-the-wall pop culture references come flying out of my mouth. I had a blast! It was so nice to giggle and talk and all that jazz. And she is interested in maybe doing a wine club with me. I would love to make that a new years thing and actually work through the book I have to learn about wine  in a year. Plus she is a gamer too. Granted not a highly experienced gamer, but I can fix that. :) It is amazing how much better you can end up feeling about yourself when you have a friend you feel good about too.


1. Keep improving on my school. *muse found*
2. Find a way to get my butt in the gym three times a week. *new approach to try this week*
3. Put down the damn greasy foods! * no idea how to get inspired about getting my diet in swing again.*
Wish me luck!

Life interrupted.

I know, I know, it has been a while since I blogged. This blogging is not all that easy for me. Not to mention, I have miss placed my muse.

As most of you know, my brother's house got a tree through it and he was living with us for a short while. Good news is that the house is fixed and things are pretty much back to normal. The bad news is he and my daughter got each other's last nerve. Oh the drama! I don't want to go into detail but lets just say the two of them have been heavy on my mind and heart since it happened.

Once my brother moved back into his house, my husband lost his job. GREAT! I just quit mine to be home for the kids and finish my studies, then this! On the up side, he got a new one almost instantly. It does not start until Oct 10th but we have enough to get us through. We are without insurance until Jan. Not as much pay but better opportunities and slightly better benefits. So I guess we are starting all over, again.

He took the spare time to build me an office! It is beautiful! Huge boost to the studying drive and my "can do" attitude toward my new career.

You add that to school starting and you have one stretched out woman. I have been able to maintain my weight but have lost a good deal of my "let's do this" attitude. I know I need this for a ton of reasons. But I am  a stress eater and with this many changes in a short time.... Let's just say I would love a grilled cheese sandwich marathon! Followed by and ice cream feast! With my cravings, I should be proud that I have managed to maintain my weight. But I am not. I am disappointed in myself.

I go to the gym about once a week, sometimes not at all. I do not know what is up with that. I am supposed to enjoy it right. I mean, exercise is supposed to be great and up lifting and people just love it. Well I am gonna call shenanigans on that! Exercise is painful and awkward and I am not a fan. I know it is needed.
I am an indoor only kind of girl. Sure, I really enjoyed the beach, in the evening, when not many people were out there. And I love long walks in the woods, when it is not hot or rainy. Lets face it, I am not good at being outside. That is why I joined a gym. Maybe if I can find someone to do it with and does not manage to make me feel more awkward about it, then I might like it. But seriously, doubt that is gonna happen. My step-son has been a good source of encouragement with this but he is 200 miles away and in college. I do not want to bug the shit out of him just to compare workout goals. My brother is doing great with his, but for some reason I feel awkward sharing my workout goals with him. I have no idea why. So this part of my life is struggling more than my diet.

Fortunately, I have gotten much better at getting to church. I do love this part, but I am still lacking in my prayers. I just don't feel that God should be bothered by me when there are so many out there who need him more. Why should I be so special as to get even more blessings? What gives me the right to go asking for more when I have the perfect husband for me, wonderful children, and a good home?
There I go again thinking I know better what God should spend his time doing! This is a difficult concept for me to get planted in my brain. Logically, God is going to do what is right by all those who let him. So go ahead and pray for the guidance and ask for the help. If it is part of his will, it will be done. So why cut him out because he has blessed me in the past. We are not born with so many blessing tokens and that is all we get. God does not ration his love. What gives me the right to ration it for him? Geeze, I can be dense.

So I am on a mission to try and find my muse again. Next week:
1. Find my physical muse: I am going to make an effort to go to the gym at least 3 times.
2. Find my nutritional muse: I am going to pick up my OA devotionals again.
3. Find my prayer muse: I am going to add a prayer after every OA reading.
(Maybe I should try to find an OA group again.)

I am doing good with my studies, and three additional goals seems like a lot to me in regards to life changes. So there I am. Wish me luck!