Well, week two of my diet came with cravings and loss of only one pound. But I knew this would be the tendency because I have been an avid watcher of Biggest Looser for a few years. I benged twice this week too, so that did not help. But at least I lost a pound.
I did manage to go to the gym three times this week, which was good. I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow. Maybe I can get a clue. So far, all I have really managed to do is loosen up my joints a little so I feel more feeble. I am trying to remember this gets better. I am remembering why I never make it very far when I do this kind of thing. The second week is very discouraging. But I had cheese this morning, so I am feeling a little less depressed. *happy face*
Not really made any other break through on my spiritual growth this week. I am still having to make an active effort to pray daily. I miss it being second nature. You would think that missing the routine would make getting back to it easier. But, not the fact for me.
The Lord has been good to us this week all the same. A HUGE maple tree cut my brother's house in half this week (hence the benging). But, thanks to knowing an owner of a tree company through work, we got it taken out rather quickly. My dad has kind of taken over the repairs while I take care of my brother. I know that God is involved here because my dad's reaction is not normal for him and my brother is doing terrific, plus I did not fall apart during the whole tree removal thing (not my forte). So things are as good as they could be in regards to dealing with a storm fiasco.
I missed out on a good deal of studying this week, but I did manage to get some more in yesterday. I always feel better when I study. There is just something about it. I am going with God's grace. This has been a test of faith for me too. I am terrified to let go of my current job. I no longer enjoy it and most of the time I feel I am not allowed to be part of my family so long as I still work there. But, there is a sense of security there. I mean, I am not going to make quite as much at my new job at first, and I am giving up my benefits. It will take me a little to get a routine going and bring in a comparable pay check. So, I am trying to put the fear in God's hands and just do my part. God has this all planned out. I need to just relax and go with it. The control freak in me is finding this difficult.
So I have completed two weeks of taking my life back to a place where I am a whole person once again. Time to press on. Wish me luck! See you soon!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
First week.... Geeze that was one week?!
Well I completed my first week of Weight Watchers and found myself praying two to three times a day. But God got me through it and I lost 7 pounds. Nice, right? The problem is, that was one long week!
So I am not an excited dieter. I about mugged one of my employees when she offered me gum. Poor lady at first was scared and then could not stop laughing at my excitement over gum. So, maybe I do not have this "how to eat my points and not be hungry" figured out yet. God got me through it and I am just gonna have to learn what makes this work for me. I am sure to be on it for over a year. Then I will have to learn how to maintain it. *gulp* One step at a time.
I did get a test in on my studies this week. Yet again, I was almost late for work because I got caught up in my studies. I really cannot wait for this career change. I am just as scared of it though. I know it will take me some time to get in a groove. I hope to get there quickly. Our budget needs it to be quick. So does my ego, I am ashamed to admit.
What has been the thing to slip through the cracks is my attitude. I did try to make sure I did something completely for someone else, everyday. I also made an effort to change my way of praying. Asking for permission instead of asking for wants. Asking for inspiration instead of the rewards that come at the end of my goals. I still find myself being vane at times and trying to ask for my wants and not what God wants. Those thoughts really cloud my heart and block out what the Lord is trying to say to me. But I know I would not have made it through this week without Him. So He must have forgiven me.
I get to weigh in again next Thursday. Oh boy. Please hold on to me Lord. I need your strength.
So I am not an excited dieter. I about mugged one of my employees when she offered me gum. Poor lady at first was scared and then could not stop laughing at my excitement over gum. So, maybe I do not have this "how to eat my points and not be hungry" figured out yet. God got me through it and I am just gonna have to learn what makes this work for me. I am sure to be on it for over a year. Then I will have to learn how to maintain it. *gulp* One step at a time.
I did get a test in on my studies this week. Yet again, I was almost late for work because I got caught up in my studies. I really cannot wait for this career change. I am just as scared of it though. I know it will take me some time to get in a groove. I hope to get there quickly. Our budget needs it to be quick. So does my ego, I am ashamed to admit.
What has been the thing to slip through the cracks is my attitude. I did try to make sure I did something completely for someone else, everyday. I also made an effort to change my way of praying. Asking for permission instead of asking for wants. Asking for inspiration instead of the rewards that come at the end of my goals. I still find myself being vane at times and trying to ask for my wants and not what God wants. Those thoughts really cloud my heart and block out what the Lord is trying to say to me. But I know I would not have made it through this week without Him. So He must have forgiven me.
I get to weigh in again next Thursday. Oh boy. Please hold on to me Lord. I need your strength.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Epiphany..... *glup*
Today during my morning meditations, I something finally clicked in my head that may fellow OA goers kept trying to tell me. I am starting to understand it some now.
I have to be interested in myself enough to do this, and get God's help. The epiphany was that I have to take an interest in my self. Then I realized that I am gonna need a lot of help with that!
I have always thought that taking an interest in yourself was a combination of vane and selfish. I guess I still kind of feel that way. I am realizing that if you do not actively take an interest in yourself, those sins are going to find their way into kind of exploding out of you. Out of control.
I have been convincing myself that I do not need things or time to myself, that all my goals should be directed to what I am on this earth for. I have amazing kids and a great husband, right?! I need to spend every moment doing something that is going to give them a better life. Here is where the clue hammer was thrown at me from heaven. The obsession with food; the anger with not feeling like I can buy something that makes me feel good about me; the sudden spouts of depression and crying the first few minutes I start to get some attention or a pat on the back, this is all a reaction to not taking time to be interested in me. This is the sin taking control of me and making life less than what God wants for me.
So I prayed for forgiveness that I did not have my faith in God and that I thought I new better. Then I asked for help, because breaking my vanity is not going to be easy.
I find it ironic that I was torturing myself in efforts to not be vane and I realize that those efforts are exactly what make me vane. I thought that my actions were the only vanity there was. But my vanity is in my attitude that I knew how to run my life better than God.
I have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get myself to the life God wants for me. He has provided everything I have ever wanted in life. A husband who is my best friend. A house full of wonderful children. A good home and a nice life. It is a dream come true! And then I sit down and pout because why? I pout by depriving myself of self worth and then eating until I feel better about me. Well, I am never gonna feel better about me until I stop pouting. No wonder I am over 100 pound over weight.
I have to be interested in myself enough to do this, and get God's help. The epiphany was that I have to take an interest in my self. Then I realized that I am gonna need a lot of help with that!
I have always thought that taking an interest in yourself was a combination of vane and selfish. I guess I still kind of feel that way. I am realizing that if you do not actively take an interest in yourself, those sins are going to find their way into kind of exploding out of you. Out of control.
I have been convincing myself that I do not need things or time to myself, that all my goals should be directed to what I am on this earth for. I have amazing kids and a great husband, right?! I need to spend every moment doing something that is going to give them a better life. Here is where the clue hammer was thrown at me from heaven. The obsession with food; the anger with not feeling like I can buy something that makes me feel good about me; the sudden spouts of depression and crying the first few minutes I start to get some attention or a pat on the back, this is all a reaction to not taking time to be interested in me. This is the sin taking control of me and making life less than what God wants for me.
So I prayed for forgiveness that I did not have my faith in God and that I thought I new better. Then I asked for help, because breaking my vanity is not going to be easy.
I find it ironic that I was torturing myself in efforts to not be vane and I realize that those efforts are exactly what make me vane. I thought that my actions were the only vanity there was. But my vanity is in my attitude that I knew how to run my life better than God.
I have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get myself to the life God wants for me. He has provided everything I have ever wanted in life. A husband who is my best friend. A house full of wonderful children. A good home and a nice life. It is a dream come true! And then I sit down and pout because why? I pout by depriving myself of self worth and then eating until I feel better about me. Well, I am never gonna feel better about me until I stop pouting. No wonder I am over 100 pound over weight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Waiting........
So I am just passing time until Friday so I can get paid and start my plan to loose weight. I take out my old OA book and then think "not today." Hmmmmm, pretty sure that is not how it is supposed to work. But I hope to read my inspiration before bed.
I did work on my studies this morning and was really enjoying them until it was time to go to work. I acctually miss my studies. I don't know if I really find it that enjoyable or if I just get excited about getting out of reatil. Either way, I will take my study time as a win.
I was going to make a point of talking to my boss about where we are standing on lay-off possiblities, but I chickened out. I am afraid that if I tell him I want to be laid off, the work environment will get worse. On the other hand, if I do not talk to him that I want a lay off, then that option may pass by me. Grrr. Confusion. I guess that one is a stailmate today.
So, one paus, onw win and one stailmate. I am going chuck today up as finished.
I did work on my studies this morning and was really enjoying them until it was time to go to work. I acctually miss my studies. I don't know if I really find it that enjoyable or if I just get excited about getting out of reatil. Either way, I will take my study time as a win.
I was going to make a point of talking to my boss about where we are standing on lay-off possiblities, but I chickened out. I am afraid that if I tell him I want to be laid off, the work environment will get worse. On the other hand, if I do not talk to him that I want a lay off, then that option may pass by me. Grrr. Confusion. I guess that one is a stailmate today.
So, one paus, onw win and one stailmate. I am going chuck today up as finished.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Plan
I just got back to town from our first ever family vacation. Married for 14 years and we just now got a vacation in. WOW! Still, it was so much fun! Now it is time to put my plan into work. *sigh*
To start, I have to address the parts of life that I can no longer stand.
1. I hate my job.
2. I hate the way people look at me, especially when I grocery shop and eat out. You get certain looks and responses form people when you have 100+ pounds to loose.
3. I am always tired.
4. I am managing a good deal of muscle and joint pain daily.
5. I am a little on the conceded side as I tend to think people's negative statements are always about me.
What to do? Change my life. Good grief! This should be easy. *not*
So, I know that three of these things that disappoint me in life are due to the fact that I am 120 pounds over weight. My doctor has told me to use the Weight Watcher system. He told me this about three years ago. Maybe more. Well as it turns out this is a $20 monthly fee. So I am to start this next paycheck. Which is Friday.
Also I need exercise. There is a new 24hr workout place about four miles down the road that is $15 a month. Both together is $35. Still less than the $65 at most gyms around here and I will not have that blasted trainer staring at me like I have no business being there.
I also hope to get back into OA once I am out of the retail biz.
That is item 2, 3, and 4.
I am schooling for item 1. I am enrolled in an on-line school for medical transcription. A career change that will let me have the time I need for my kids. Whoot!
I love my studies but finding time for it has been very hard. Granted, I am down to three kids in the house now and that helps but it is still hard to part time school, full time work and full time parent.
I have been thinking of going to my boss and asking for a lay-off since they keep threatening it any way. And are now discussing cutting my hours by 5 - 10 hours (as I understand it.) I do not think they are set on these actions but they are considering. Still, hate working my butt off for possibly getting things taken away from me no matter what I do.
And that leaves item 5. I need help with this one for sure and there is only one place to go for that. GOD! So I need my butt back in a pew. For me to get there I have to take care of item 1 first as I have been told I have to close every Saturday and open every Sunday. This makes church impossible for me. And I hope to start volunteering for something but I have no idea what.
So that is my goal and I could use all the prayers I can get.
To start, I have to address the parts of life that I can no longer stand.
1. I hate my job.
2. I hate the way people look at me, especially when I grocery shop and eat out. You get certain looks and responses form people when you have 100+ pounds to loose.
3. I am always tired.
4. I am managing a good deal of muscle and joint pain daily.
5. I am a little on the conceded side as I tend to think people's negative statements are always about me.
What to do? Change my life. Good grief! This should be easy. *not*
So, I know that three of these things that disappoint me in life are due to the fact that I am 120 pounds over weight. My doctor has told me to use the Weight Watcher system. He told me this about three years ago. Maybe more. Well as it turns out this is a $20 monthly fee. So I am to start this next paycheck. Which is Friday.
Also I need exercise. There is a new 24hr workout place about four miles down the road that is $15 a month. Both together is $35. Still less than the $65 at most gyms around here and I will not have that blasted trainer staring at me like I have no business being there.
I also hope to get back into OA once I am out of the retail biz.
That is item 2, 3, and 4.
I am schooling for item 1. I am enrolled in an on-line school for medical transcription. A career change that will let me have the time I need for my kids. Whoot!
I love my studies but finding time for it has been very hard. Granted, I am down to three kids in the house now and that helps but it is still hard to part time school, full time work and full time parent.
I have been thinking of going to my boss and asking for a lay-off since they keep threatening it any way. And are now discussing cutting my hours by 5 - 10 hours (as I understand it.) I do not think they are set on these actions but they are considering. Still, hate working my butt off for possibly getting things taken away from me no matter what I do.
And that leaves item 5. I need help with this one for sure and there is only one place to go for that. GOD! So I need my butt back in a pew. For me to get there I have to take care of item 1 first as I have been told I have to close every Saturday and open every Sunday. This makes church impossible for me. And I hope to start volunteering for something but I have no idea what.
So that is my goal and I could use all the prayers I can get.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)