Epiphany..... *glup*

Today during my morning meditations, I something finally clicked in my head that may fellow OA goers kept trying to tell me. I am starting to understand it some now.

I have to be interested in myself enough to do this, and get God's help. The epiphany was that I have to take an interest in my self. Then I realized that I am gonna need a lot of help with that!

I have always thought that taking an interest in yourself was a combination of vane and selfish. I guess I still kind of feel that way. I am realizing that if you do not actively take an interest in yourself, those sins are going to find their way into kind of exploding out of you. Out of control.
I have been convincing myself that I do not need things or time to myself, that all my goals should be directed to what I am on this earth for. I have amazing kids and a great husband, right?! I need to spend every moment doing something that is going to give them a better life. Here is where the clue hammer was thrown at me from heaven. The obsession with food; the anger with not feeling like I can buy something that makes me feel good about me; the sudden spouts of depression and crying the first few minutes I start to get some attention or a pat on the back, this is all a reaction to not taking time to be interested in me. This is the sin taking control of me and making life less than what God wants for me.
So I prayed for forgiveness that I did not have my faith in God and that I thought I new better. Then I asked for help, because breaking my vanity is not going to be easy.

I find it ironic that I was torturing myself in efforts to not be vane and I realize that those efforts are exactly what make me vane. I thought that my actions were the only vanity there was. But my vanity is in my attitude that I knew how to run my life better than God.

I have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get myself to the life God wants for me. He has provided everything I have ever wanted in life. A husband who is my best friend. A house full of wonderful children. A good home and a nice life. It is a dream come true! And then I sit down and pout because why? I pout by depriving myself of self worth and then eating until I feel better about me. Well, I am never gonna feel better about me until I stop pouting. No wonder I am over 100 pound over weight.