On your mark!

Well, three months later, and I blog again.

I am FINALLY making progress again.

I have been on my antidepressants for nearly two weeks now. Vance came home from work one day and approached me pretty much with my pill in one hand and a hatchet in the other and said, "Honey it is time to make a choice!" Not LITERALLY, obviously, but a definite intervention moment there. So, I started taking the pills again and I am thinking much clearer, and I have quite a bit more energy. I had to recently get them renewed, and the pharmacy changed manufacture on my pill. They are all SUPPOSED to be the same but I swear this new one is just not as good as the first. But it is working, and I hope that I am able to take care of the rest holistically.

I am waiting on a background check to come through on a job. I would be managing a portrait studio. Sounds like fun, and fair pay. The best part is I would be done by the time the kids need me home. SWEET! And since it is not too demanding on the schedule, I should be able to keep working on my transcription. The transcription stuff would be great if I could just get proficient enough in it. I am needing a 94% accuracy but seem to be stuck at 87%. Can you say dyslexia? So, this job will let me keep trying. I also am selling Pure Romance, but I must say that educating other women that sexual difficulties are normal and do not make you less of a women or somehow broken is more why I sell Pure Romance. I am still working on this concept myself, but talking to others and seeing the relief in their eyes that they are not the only one dealing with this is helping me accept my own difficulties as well.

My cousin has started a program called Couch to 5K and has been keeping me up to date on how she is doing. It has inspired me to get interested in my health again. I am tracking my calories and am looking for my Sugar Busters diet book. My friend, Jenny, has been trying to get me out walking. I hate shin splits! I am not doing as well on the exercise stuff, but I did like how I felt for the rest of the day. I am rather thick headed and am still not inspired enough to exercise on my own at this point. I hope Jenny does not give up on me, but she has her own challenges she is dealing with.

So that is me in a nut shell minus children drama. Schools can really suck when they don't like your kid. But that is a whole other story.  Back on the mark, which is frustrating but at least I have not given up!

And Now I Shall Quote Daffy Duck..

"To trip and trip and trip and trip and trip.."

So, I am still learning the same lesson that I mentioned several posts ago. That the biggest obstacle between me and God is me.

Depression grabbed a hold on me a few months back (as if you could not tell) and has been holding me down. In spite of all this, I managed to get us all to church the Sunday before last. The sermon has stuck with me but not for it's intended message. I am not even sure how I got out of it what I did as the message was about having hope during despair because God love's you. But, I came away with, you cannot break yourself down into little pieces to make yourself whole. Which, if you have been reading this at all, is exactly what I have been doing.

I am not fully sure where I am to go with all of this. Maybe I got here because I have been spending so much time and energy in trying to fix what is wrong that I have not taken the time to celebrate what is right. As a mater of fact, I have focused so completely on what I need to fix that I no longer can see what is right. I can talk all day long about what I need to fix in my life. I have a really hard time figuring out what I am doing well, and perhaps that is going to suffer due to neglect. I am not sure but this idea somehow feels on track. It is that power of positive thinking vs. the power of negative thought. I keep feeding the wrong power. Positive thinking is so very important and needs to be the dominant power. I am not saying that negative thought need to be eradicated, because it shows use what to adjust and what to avoid, but that is all it is supposed to do. Then the positive thinking is supposed to take over again and give us the peace and courage to go for it and enjoy it and grab the blessing of being flesh and blood. There is just something in that negative thought that is only supposed to nudge that will grab hold of me and fling me in the completely wrong direction.  You see? Too much feeding the wrong power.

This is also part of the block I have managed to put up between myself and God. I sit here and think, "God does not have time for me; therefore, I will only bother him with this little tiny piece of me and that is all he is going to get." Can you see how this is so very messed up? I am back to trying to tell God what he can and cannot do. I am putting my faith in a box and sitting on it. What the heck?! For God to work in my life, I have to give him my life to work with. I keep giving him all these little lost puzzle pieces and not the other pieces of the puzzle. How can you put a broken apart puzzle together without the whole puzzle? But, that is exactly what I have been asking God to do. This seems to be a running theme of mine.

You see, it is the same problem re-voiced. I keep praying to God to help me and he keeps saying, "O.K. Sure. Come here so I can help." I then promptly stand up and walk away. Why is walking to God so hard for me to do? Why can I not seem to believe that God has the time and desire to bother with me? Maybe because of all that negative thought I keep feeding and making so very powerful. I kind of feel like saying, "where did I put that damn sledgehammer so I can break down this big obstacle called self defeat.

I have circled around again. I am standing in the same spot I was several months ago and very confused as to which way to go; because, right now, all the roads look the same. I am going to keep working on this conundrum and see if I can get my mind and heart in the right place for God to help me like I keep begging him to do.

Wish me luck!

Lost and wondering all over the place.

Hello again. I have completely lost all direction and am trying desperately to pull my head out of my anus and look around again.

Let me go over my triumphant fall from grace. I am now back up to 270 pounds and seem to go on a being at least once a week lately. Not too mention how hard it is to stop eating when I am full. I don't want to stop eating. Eating makes me forget about all the things that bug the total piss out of me about myself. It is when I stop eating that it comes back to me. I seem to have abandoned my quest to become a work-at-home medical transcriptionist. I spend more of my time applying for jobs that never call me in for an interview rather than complete my one practicum and two tests I have to complete to get my cert and start working. Not to mention the placement resources they have for me to use. I cannot even begin to explain that one! My lack of job and determination to complete my job training has required I apply for gov assistance to try and make ends meet. Talk about feeling like hell. Try having to prove that you are not capable of taking care of yourself or your family. That is a real kick to the balls! I guess you could say I let my depression make more depression for myself.

Most all of the family drama is over. Oldest daughter out in the world stirring up God knows what, but I pray for her everyday and keep doing my best to care for the ones I have left to raise. My brother and Hubby are back on talking terms and the game group is back together. Youngest son is showing interest in the games. It might end up being a good exercise to help him learn to focus. I am growing new friendships with women I really enjoy spending time with. So you see there is good going on too.

One day at time. That is what I need to be doing right now. Stop panicking over the really huge picture that I find scary and just pull one "to do" off the top of the list and do that. Worry about the others when I am done with this first task.

Today: Finish paying the bills and start editing my latest attempt at Transcription in hopes that I will transcribe all day tomorrow. Oh! And buy some batteries.

I am BAAAACK!

OK,WOW! It has been so long since I blogged that they changed the whole set up of Blogger. Dang!


 I guess I should explain. After my last post about my forgiveness problems with my oldest daughter, I received a rude and slightly threatening letter from her at-the-time boyfriend. My husband called them and told them to lay off me, and from the end of the conversation I herd they were claiming the blogging was all about trashing my daughter and getting the world to think of her in a bad light. Like the world is interested in what I have to say. Really this is my reflection time and I know a few of my friends who find courage in the fact the they are not the only compulsive eaters out there. That life's difficulties driving them to eat is not really a freak show kind of thing. So just in case there is any question to anyone else out there, my troubled relationship with my oldest daughter drives me to binge, This is not a slam blog. I am just not into that. 


 But there has been progress in this matter. OH A LOT OF PROGRESS! I have gone from anger and feeling of fear and threat from her to pity and no respect. Maybe I will be able to close the book on the driving force behind this that makes it an obstacle between me and tearing down my worship of food. 


 My daughter and her boyfriend broke up and he kicked her out. She had burnt every bridge of support she had in one year. So my brother-in-law lead the posy to go get her and bring her home. I went straight into severe depression, constant panic and suicidal mode.( My strong beliefs keep me from acting on that last one.) The only silver lining for that first week would be that I was so upset I could not eat and lost six pounds.


 In dealing with her for the past two-and-a-bit weeks my feelings have changed. Thanks to my husband's determination to hold my hand through this and show me that he is not going to divorce me per her request, I have let go of a great deal of pain and fear and I am willing to say that I have pretty much forgiven her. She still is trying to convince me of one thing and acts to the direct contradiction which makes me sad. But with some of the things she has said, the talks we have had as a family and the drama she is stirring up in the household, I no longer feel responsible for her destructive and abusive behavior. It is just the person she is and I pity her for it.


 So I am going to give her as much support as I can without encouraging the drama or leading her down another year-long failing path. Her decisions are hers, not that she will acknowledge that yet, but one day she will have no choice. Until then, there really is nothing I can do for her other than let her make me that person who is stalled and held back by fear and anger. I don't want to be that person, and I can see now that I am not the person she plays that I am. It is no more my fault that she turned out the way she has, than it is my mother's fault that my brother was struck with a mental illness. (By the way my brother has turned out pretty damn awesome! He deals beautifully with the invisible challenges he faces that most of us could never conquer were we faced with his illness.) I am actually hoping, if my daughter learns that she is the way she is due to illness, perhaps he will be able to be the roll model he yearns to be for people.


Her feelings and self-depriving actions no longer have a driving force behind them to lead me to compulsive binge like they did. Don't get me wrong, I am still at the mercy of this issue. After all, I ran to Food City yesterday and ate six of their fried hot wings from the deli. But the driving force behind that is more of concern as to the influence she has over the three children I am still raising and protecting. I have to protect them from her issues. This is why she has a time limit of three weeks.


 I will pray that God can send her someone who can help her. Who will help her take off her blinders and see the world and the people for what and who they are instead of what she wants them to be. It is all God's creation and not man's. And it is so much more than any one person could ever imagine. To miss all of it because of pure determination is just a shame.


It has not been easy, and it is still absolutely terrifying, but I have managed to grow and am wanting to work more on defeating the road blocks in my life that are keeping me from God's wishes for me and that hold me back from taking control over my food instead of turning to food as some sort of faults savior.


For this week:
1. Back to weight watchers.
2. Back to the gym.
3. Back to finding the "pebbles in my shoes".
4. Back to discovering me.

3 days til CHRISTMAS!

It has been quite a week or so. My life adjustment goal are all falling flat. Not going away but falling flat. I am feeling rather lost lately.

My step-mom keeps trying to get me to agree that me and my family are loosers. My studies have taken a sharp turn down and are going much slower than they should. My diet is a yo-yo form day to day. And my depression is kicking my butt. I have not made any progress on my forgiveness quest. It has been frustrating.

I failed the last test I took with a MAJOR 51, took it so hard that I slumped into a bad depression spin for two days. I am just now pulling out if it. Vance's benefits package goes into effect in Feb. Which means he will be bringing home less money. I HAVE to be working by then. If I am not done with my studies I am going to have to go back to the retail business. I really do not want to do that.

I did loose a pound again this week. Loosing a pound a week since Thanksgiving week where I gained eight. I guess that is not bed. But I do feel like a bad person and let me explain why. My mother in law nearly had a heart attack last week. They got her to the hospital before a full on infarction could happen. This is great! Her heart is bad, so my father-in-law watches her like a hawk. But I am kind of glad that it happened. Due to this the holiday menu has been changed to something I can manage on my diet. So I am a bit glad my mother-in-law had some heart trouble. Seems so very selfish of me and I feel like a terrible person. But there it is.

I was trying to make plans with one of my friends that I owe an apology too. I think she is coming to town to visit her family but I cannot afford my cell phone bill which is my only way to reliably get in touch with her. I really wanted to apologize in person. She is one of those who is a primarily texting person. I really think she deserves better than a texted apology. She has been my friend since the fourth grade and she deserves better than and abbreviation of an apology.

Right now I am in maintenance mode and am going to try to manage my depression well enough to not be a damper on my Lords birthday party. Baby steps. Just get through Christmas and Henry's birthday and I will not have any other special events until my working deadline. If I can get through to the February deadline then I will have quite a bit of stress off of me. I just hope I can do it holding my head up and not hanging it low.

Until next week! Wish me luck!.

It has been a whirlwind kind of week. It seems as though everyone is having a hard time with the holidays this year. Even the cats are a little cranky. I think I am going to keep this one short. I really have not put much thought to my inner improvement this week.

I did loose three of the eight pounds I gained during thanksgiving. Whew! At this rate I will be back below 250 just in time for Christmas dinner. My prayers are dwindling again, but I am still working on it. I have not made any progress with my pride issues. That is it in a nut shell. Now I am off to try and plan out what is left of our holiday budget.

Happy Holidays... *gulp*

Thanksgiving kicked my butt!

I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.

I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.

I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.

This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.

On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.

I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.

Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!