"To trip and trip and trip and trip and trip.."
So, I am still learning the same lesson that I mentioned several posts ago. That the biggest obstacle between me and God is me.
Depression grabbed a hold on me a few months back (as if you could not tell) and has been holding me down. In spite of all this, I managed to get us all to church the Sunday before last. The sermon has stuck with me but not for it's intended message. I am not even sure how I got out of it what I did as the message was about having hope during despair because God love's you. But, I came away with, you cannot break yourself down into little pieces to make yourself whole. Which, if you have been reading this at all, is exactly what I have been doing.
I am not fully sure where I am to go with all of this. Maybe I got here because I have been spending so much time and energy in trying to fix what is wrong that I have not taken the time to celebrate what is right. As a mater of fact, I have focused so completely on what I need to fix that I no longer can see what is right. I can talk all day long about what I need to fix in my life. I have a really hard time figuring out what I am doing well, and perhaps that is going to suffer due to neglect. I am not sure but this idea somehow feels on track. It is that power of positive thinking vs. the power of negative thought. I keep feeding the wrong power. Positive thinking is so very important and needs to be the dominant power. I am not saying that negative thought need to be eradicated, because it shows use what to adjust and what to avoid, but that is all it is supposed to do. Then the positive thinking is supposed to take over again and give us the peace and courage to go for it and enjoy it and grab the blessing of being flesh and blood. There is just something in that negative thought that is only supposed to nudge that will grab hold of me and fling me in the completely wrong direction. You see? Too much feeding the wrong power.
This is also part of the block I have managed to put up between myself and God. I sit here and think, "God does not have time for me; therefore, I will only bother him with this little tiny piece of me and that is all he is going to get." Can you see how this is so very messed up? I am back to trying to tell God what he can and cannot do. I am putting my faith in a box and sitting on it. What the heck?! For God to work in my life, I have to give him my life to work with. I keep giving him all these little lost puzzle pieces and not the other pieces of the puzzle. How can you put a broken apart puzzle together without the whole puzzle? But, that is exactly what I have been asking God to do. This seems to be a running theme of mine.
You see, it is the same problem re-voiced. I keep praying to God to help me and he keeps saying, "O.K. Sure. Come here so I can help." I then promptly stand up and walk away. Why is walking to God so hard for me to do? Why can I not seem to believe that God has the time and desire to bother with me? Maybe because of all that negative thought I keep feeding and making so very powerful. I kind of feel like saying, "where did I put that damn sledgehammer so I can break down this big obstacle called self defeat.
I have circled around again. I am standing in the same spot I was several months ago and very confused as to which way to go; because, right now, all the roads look the same. I am going to keep working on this conundrum and see if I can get my mind and heart in the right place for God to help me like I keep begging him to do.
Wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment