Well, three months later, and I blog again.
I am FINALLY making progress again.
I have been on my antidepressants for nearly two weeks now. Vance came home from work one day and approached me pretty much with my pill in one hand and a hatchet in the other and said, "Honey it is time to make a choice!" Not LITERALLY, obviously, but a definite intervention moment there. So, I started taking the pills again and I am thinking much clearer, and I have quite a bit more energy. I had to recently get them renewed, and the pharmacy changed manufacture on my pill. They are all SUPPOSED to be the same but I swear this new one is just not as good as the first. But it is working, and I hope that I am able to take care of the rest holistically.
I am waiting on a background check to come through on a job. I would be managing a portrait studio. Sounds like fun, and fair pay. The best part is I would be done by the time the kids need me home. SWEET! And since it is not too demanding on the schedule, I should be able to keep working on my transcription. The transcription stuff would be great if I could just get proficient enough in it. I am needing a 94% accuracy but seem to be stuck at 87%. Can you say dyslexia? So, this job will let me keep trying. I also am selling Pure Romance, but I must say that educating other women that sexual difficulties are normal and do not make you less of a women or somehow broken is more why I sell Pure Romance. I am still working on this concept myself, but talking to others and seeing the relief in their eyes that they are not the only one dealing with this is helping me accept my own difficulties as well.
My cousin has started a program called Couch to 5K and has been keeping me up to date on how she is doing. It has inspired me to get interested in my health again. I am tracking my calories and am looking for my Sugar Busters diet book. My friend, Jenny, has been trying to get me out walking. I hate shin splits! I am not doing as well on the exercise stuff, but I did like how I felt for the rest of the day. I am rather thick headed and am still not inspired enough to exercise on my own at this point. I hope Jenny does not give up on me, but she has her own challenges she is dealing with.
So that is me in a nut shell minus children drama. Schools can really suck when they don't like your kid. But that is a whole other story. Back on the mark, which is frustrating but at least I have not given up!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
And Now I Shall Quote Daffy Duck..
"To trip and trip and trip and trip and trip.."
So, I am still learning the same lesson that I mentioned several posts ago. That the biggest obstacle between me and God is me.
Depression grabbed a hold on me a few months back (as if you could not tell) and has been holding me down. In spite of all this, I managed to get us all to church the Sunday before last. The sermon has stuck with me but not for it's intended message. I am not even sure how I got out of it what I did as the message was about having hope during despair because God love's you. But, I came away with, you cannot break yourself down into little pieces to make yourself whole. Which, if you have been reading this at all, is exactly what I have been doing.
I am not fully sure where I am to go with all of this. Maybe I got here because I have been spending so much time and energy in trying to fix what is wrong that I have not taken the time to celebrate what is right. As a mater of fact, I have focused so completely on what I need to fix that I no longer can see what is right. I can talk all day long about what I need to fix in my life. I have a really hard time figuring out what I am doing well, and perhaps that is going to suffer due to neglect. I am not sure but this idea somehow feels on track. It is that power of positive thinking vs. the power of negative thought. I keep feeding the wrong power. Positive thinking is so very important and needs to be the dominant power. I am not saying that negative thought need to be eradicated, because it shows use what to adjust and what to avoid, but that is all it is supposed to do. Then the positive thinking is supposed to take over again and give us the peace and courage to go for it and enjoy it and grab the blessing of being flesh and blood. There is just something in that negative thought that is only supposed to nudge that will grab hold of me and fling me in the completely wrong direction. You see? Too much feeding the wrong power.
This is also part of the block I have managed to put up between myself and God. I sit here and think, "God does not have time for me; therefore, I will only bother him with this little tiny piece of me and that is all he is going to get." Can you see how this is so very messed up? I am back to trying to tell God what he can and cannot do. I am putting my faith in a box and sitting on it. What the heck?! For God to work in my life, I have to give him my life to work with. I keep giving him all these little lost puzzle pieces and not the other pieces of the puzzle. How can you put a broken apart puzzle together without the whole puzzle? But, that is exactly what I have been asking God to do. This seems to be a running theme of mine.
You see, it is the same problem re-voiced. I keep praying to God to help me and he keeps saying, "O.K. Sure. Come here so I can help." I then promptly stand up and walk away. Why is walking to God so hard for me to do? Why can I not seem to believe that God has the time and desire to bother with me? Maybe because of all that negative thought I keep feeding and making so very powerful. I kind of feel like saying, "where did I put that damn sledgehammer so I can break down this big obstacle called self defeat.
I have circled around again. I am standing in the same spot I was several months ago and very confused as to which way to go; because, right now, all the roads look the same. I am going to keep working on this conundrum and see if I can get my mind and heart in the right place for God to help me like I keep begging him to do.
Wish me luck!
So, I am still learning the same lesson that I mentioned several posts ago. That the biggest obstacle between me and God is me.
Depression grabbed a hold on me a few months back (as if you could not tell) and has been holding me down. In spite of all this, I managed to get us all to church the Sunday before last. The sermon has stuck with me but not for it's intended message. I am not even sure how I got out of it what I did as the message was about having hope during despair because God love's you. But, I came away with, you cannot break yourself down into little pieces to make yourself whole. Which, if you have been reading this at all, is exactly what I have been doing.
I am not fully sure where I am to go with all of this. Maybe I got here because I have been spending so much time and energy in trying to fix what is wrong that I have not taken the time to celebrate what is right. As a mater of fact, I have focused so completely on what I need to fix that I no longer can see what is right. I can talk all day long about what I need to fix in my life. I have a really hard time figuring out what I am doing well, and perhaps that is going to suffer due to neglect. I am not sure but this idea somehow feels on track. It is that power of positive thinking vs. the power of negative thought. I keep feeding the wrong power. Positive thinking is so very important and needs to be the dominant power. I am not saying that negative thought need to be eradicated, because it shows use what to adjust and what to avoid, but that is all it is supposed to do. Then the positive thinking is supposed to take over again and give us the peace and courage to go for it and enjoy it and grab the blessing of being flesh and blood. There is just something in that negative thought that is only supposed to nudge that will grab hold of me and fling me in the completely wrong direction. You see? Too much feeding the wrong power.
This is also part of the block I have managed to put up between myself and God. I sit here and think, "God does not have time for me; therefore, I will only bother him with this little tiny piece of me and that is all he is going to get." Can you see how this is so very messed up? I am back to trying to tell God what he can and cannot do. I am putting my faith in a box and sitting on it. What the heck?! For God to work in my life, I have to give him my life to work with. I keep giving him all these little lost puzzle pieces and not the other pieces of the puzzle. How can you put a broken apart puzzle together without the whole puzzle? But, that is exactly what I have been asking God to do. This seems to be a running theme of mine.
You see, it is the same problem re-voiced. I keep praying to God to help me and he keeps saying, "O.K. Sure. Come here so I can help." I then promptly stand up and walk away. Why is walking to God so hard for me to do? Why can I not seem to believe that God has the time and desire to bother with me? Maybe because of all that negative thought I keep feeding and making so very powerful. I kind of feel like saying, "where did I put that damn sledgehammer so I can break down this big obstacle called self defeat.
I have circled around again. I am standing in the same spot I was several months ago and very confused as to which way to go; because, right now, all the roads look the same. I am going to keep working on this conundrum and see if I can get my mind and heart in the right place for God to help me like I keep begging him to do.
Wish me luck!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Lost and wondering all over the place.
Hello again. I have completely lost all direction and am trying desperately to pull my head out of my anus and look around again.
Let me go over my triumphant fall from grace. I am now back up to 270 pounds and seem to go on a being at least once a week lately. Not too mention how hard it is to stop eating when I am full. I don't want to stop eating. Eating makes me forget about all the things that bug the total piss out of me about myself. It is when I stop eating that it comes back to me. I seem to have abandoned my quest to become a work-at-home medical transcriptionist. I spend more of my time applying for jobs that never call me in for an interview rather than complete my one practicum and two tests I have to complete to get my cert and start working. Not to mention the placement resources they have for me to use. I cannot even begin to explain that one! My lack of job and determination to complete my job training has required I apply for gov assistance to try and make ends meet. Talk about feeling like hell. Try having to prove that you are not capable of taking care of yourself or your family. That is a real kick to the balls! I guess you could say I let my depression make more depression for myself.
Most all of the family drama is over. Oldest daughter out in the world stirring up God knows what, but I pray for her everyday and keep doing my best to care for the ones I have left to raise. My brother and Hubby are back on talking terms and the game group is back together. Youngest son is showing interest in the games. It might end up being a good exercise to help him learn to focus. I am growing new friendships with women I really enjoy spending time with. So you see there is good going on too.
One day at time. That is what I need to be doing right now. Stop panicking over the really huge picture that I find scary and just pull one "to do" off the top of the list and do that. Worry about the others when I am done with this first task.
Today: Finish paying the bills and start editing my latest attempt at Transcription in hopes that I will transcribe all day tomorrow. Oh! And buy some batteries.
Let me go over my triumphant fall from grace. I am now back up to 270 pounds and seem to go on a being at least once a week lately. Not too mention how hard it is to stop eating when I am full. I don't want to stop eating. Eating makes me forget about all the things that bug the total piss out of me about myself. It is when I stop eating that it comes back to me. I seem to have abandoned my quest to become a work-at-home medical transcriptionist. I spend more of my time applying for jobs that never call me in for an interview rather than complete my one practicum and two tests I have to complete to get my cert and start working. Not to mention the placement resources they have for me to use. I cannot even begin to explain that one! My lack of job and determination to complete my job training has required I apply for gov assistance to try and make ends meet. Talk about feeling like hell. Try having to prove that you are not capable of taking care of yourself or your family. That is a real kick to the balls! I guess you could say I let my depression make more depression for myself.
Most all of the family drama is over. Oldest daughter out in the world stirring up God knows what, but I pray for her everyday and keep doing my best to care for the ones I have left to raise. My brother and Hubby are back on talking terms and the game group is back together. Youngest son is showing interest in the games. It might end up being a good exercise to help him learn to focus. I am growing new friendships with women I really enjoy spending time with. So you see there is good going on too.
One day at time. That is what I need to be doing right now. Stop panicking over the really huge picture that I find scary and just pull one "to do" off the top of the list and do that. Worry about the others when I am done with this first task.
Today: Finish paying the bills and start editing my latest attempt at Transcription in hopes that I will transcribe all day tomorrow. Oh! And buy some batteries.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I am BAAAACK!
OK,WOW! It has been so long since I blogged that they changed the whole set up of Blogger. Dang!
I guess I should explain. After my last post about my forgiveness problems with my oldest daughter, I received a rude and slightly threatening letter from her at-the-time boyfriend. My husband called them and told them to lay off me, and from the end of the conversation I herd they were claiming the blogging was all about trashing my daughter and getting the world to think of her in a bad light. Like the world is interested in what I have to say. Really this is my reflection time and I know a few of my friends who find courage in the fact the they are not the only compulsive eaters out there. That life's difficulties driving them to eat is not really a freak show kind of thing. So just in case there is any question to anyone else out there, my troubled relationship with my oldest daughter drives me to binge, This is not a slam blog. I am just not into that.
But there has been progress in this matter. OH A LOT OF PROGRESS! I have gone from anger and feeling of fear and threat from her to pity and no respect. Maybe I will be able to close the book on the driving force behind this that makes it an obstacle between me and tearing down my worship of food.
My daughter and her boyfriend broke up and he kicked her out. She had burnt every bridge of support she had in one year. So my brother-in-law lead the posy to go get her and bring her home. I went straight into severe depression, constant panic and suicidal mode.( My strong beliefs keep me from acting on that last one.) The only silver lining for that first week would be that I was so upset I could not eat and lost six pounds.
In dealing with her for the past two-and-a-bit weeks my feelings have changed. Thanks to my husband's determination to hold my hand through this and show me that he is not going to divorce me per her request, I have let go of a great deal of pain and fear and I am willing to say that I have pretty much forgiven her. She still is trying to convince me of one thing and acts to the direct contradiction which makes me sad. But with some of the things she has said, the talks we have had as a family and the drama she is stirring up in the household, I no longer feel responsible for her destructive and abusive behavior. It is just the person she is and I pity her for it.
So I am going to give her as much support as I can without encouraging the drama or leading her down another year-long failing path. Her decisions are hers, not that she will acknowledge that yet, but one day she will have no choice. Until then, there really is nothing I can do for her other than let her make me that person who is stalled and held back by fear and anger. I don't want to be that person, and I can see now that I am not the person she plays that I am. It is no more my fault that she turned out the way she has, than it is my mother's fault that my brother was struck with a mental illness. (By the way my brother has turned out pretty damn awesome! He deals beautifully with the invisible challenges he faces that most of us could never conquer were we faced with his illness.) I am actually hoping, if my daughter learns that she is the way she is due to illness, perhaps he will be able to be the roll model he yearns to be for people.
Her feelings and self-depriving actions no longer have a driving force behind them to lead me to compulsive binge like they did. Don't get me wrong, I am still at the mercy of this issue. After all, I ran to Food City yesterday and ate six of their fried hot wings from the deli. But the driving force behind that is more of concern as to the influence she has over the three children I am still raising and protecting. I have to protect them from her issues. This is why she has a time limit of three weeks.
I will pray that God can send her someone who can help her. Who will help her take off her blinders and see the world and the people for what and who they are instead of what she wants them to be. It is all God's creation and not man's. And it is so much more than any one person could ever imagine. To miss all of it because of pure determination is just a shame.
It has not been easy, and it is still absolutely terrifying, but I have managed to grow and am wanting to work more on defeating the road blocks in my life that are keeping me from God's wishes for me and that hold me back from taking control over my food instead of turning to food as some sort of faults savior.
For this week:
1. Back to weight watchers.
2. Back to the gym.
3. Back to finding the "pebbles in my shoes".
4. Back to discovering me.
I guess I should explain. After my last post about my forgiveness problems with my oldest daughter, I received a rude and slightly threatening letter from her at-the-time boyfriend. My husband called them and told them to lay off me, and from the end of the conversation I herd they were claiming the blogging was all about trashing my daughter and getting the world to think of her in a bad light. Like the world is interested in what I have to say. Really this is my reflection time and I know a few of my friends who find courage in the fact the they are not the only compulsive eaters out there. That life's difficulties driving them to eat is not really a freak show kind of thing. So just in case there is any question to anyone else out there, my troubled relationship with my oldest daughter drives me to binge, This is not a slam blog. I am just not into that.
But there has been progress in this matter. OH A LOT OF PROGRESS! I have gone from anger and feeling of fear and threat from her to pity and no respect. Maybe I will be able to close the book on the driving force behind this that makes it an obstacle between me and tearing down my worship of food.
My daughter and her boyfriend broke up and he kicked her out. She had burnt every bridge of support she had in one year. So my brother-in-law lead the posy to go get her and bring her home. I went straight into severe depression, constant panic and suicidal mode.( My strong beliefs keep me from acting on that last one.) The only silver lining for that first week would be that I was so upset I could not eat and lost six pounds.
In dealing with her for the past two-and-a-bit weeks my feelings have changed. Thanks to my husband's determination to hold my hand through this and show me that he is not going to divorce me per her request, I have let go of a great deal of pain and fear and I am willing to say that I have pretty much forgiven her. She still is trying to convince me of one thing and acts to the direct contradiction which makes me sad. But with some of the things she has said, the talks we have had as a family and the drama she is stirring up in the household, I no longer feel responsible for her destructive and abusive behavior. It is just the person she is and I pity her for it.
So I am going to give her as much support as I can without encouraging the drama or leading her down another year-long failing path. Her decisions are hers, not that she will acknowledge that yet, but one day she will have no choice. Until then, there really is nothing I can do for her other than let her make me that person who is stalled and held back by fear and anger. I don't want to be that person, and I can see now that I am not the person she plays that I am. It is no more my fault that she turned out the way she has, than it is my mother's fault that my brother was struck with a mental illness. (By the way my brother has turned out pretty damn awesome! He deals beautifully with the invisible challenges he faces that most of us could never conquer were we faced with his illness.) I am actually hoping, if my daughter learns that she is the way she is due to illness, perhaps he will be able to be the roll model he yearns to be for people.
Her feelings and self-depriving actions no longer have a driving force behind them to lead me to compulsive binge like they did. Don't get me wrong, I am still at the mercy of this issue. After all, I ran to Food City yesterday and ate six of their fried hot wings from the deli. But the driving force behind that is more of concern as to the influence she has over the three children I am still raising and protecting. I have to protect them from her issues. This is why she has a time limit of three weeks.
I will pray that God can send her someone who can help her. Who will help her take off her blinders and see the world and the people for what and who they are instead of what she wants them to be. It is all God's creation and not man's. And it is so much more than any one person could ever imagine. To miss all of it because of pure determination is just a shame.
It has not been easy, and it is still absolutely terrifying, but I have managed to grow and am wanting to work more on defeating the road blocks in my life that are keeping me from God's wishes for me and that hold me back from taking control over my food instead of turning to food as some sort of faults savior.
For this week:
1. Back to weight watchers.
2. Back to the gym.
3. Back to finding the "pebbles in my shoes".
4. Back to discovering me.
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