It has been quite a week or so. My life adjustment goal are all falling flat. Not going away but falling flat. I am feeling rather lost lately.
My step-mom keeps trying to get me to agree that me and my family are loosers. My studies have taken a sharp turn down and are going much slower than they should. My diet is a yo-yo form day to day. And my depression is kicking my butt. I have not made any progress on my forgiveness quest. It has been frustrating.
I failed the last test I took with a MAJOR 51, took it so hard that I slumped into a bad depression spin for two days. I am just now pulling out if it. Vance's benefits package goes into effect in Feb. Which means he will be bringing home less money. I HAVE to be working by then. If I am not done with my studies I am going to have to go back to the retail business. I really do not want to do that.
I did loose a pound again this week. Loosing a pound a week since Thanksgiving week where I gained eight. I guess that is not bed. But I do feel like a bad person and let me explain why. My mother in law nearly had a heart attack last week. They got her to the hospital before a full on infarction could happen. This is great! Her heart is bad, so my father-in-law watches her like a hawk. But I am kind of glad that it happened. Due to this the holiday menu has been changed to something I can manage on my diet. So I am a bit glad my mother-in-law had some heart trouble. Seems so very selfish of me and I feel like a terrible person. But there it is.
I was trying to make plans with one of my friends that I owe an apology too. I think she is coming to town to visit her family but I cannot afford my cell phone bill which is my only way to reliably get in touch with her. I really wanted to apologize in person. She is one of those who is a primarily texting person. I really think she deserves better than a texted apology. She has been my friend since the fourth grade and she deserves better than and abbreviation of an apology.
Right now I am in maintenance mode and am going to try to manage my depression well enough to not be a damper on my Lords birthday party. Baby steps. Just get through Christmas and Henry's birthday and I will not have any other special events until my working deadline. If I can get through to the February deadline then I will have quite a bit of stress off of me. I just hope I can do it holding my head up and not hanging it low.
Until next week! Wish me luck!.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It has been a whirlwind kind of week. It seems as though everyone is having a hard time with the holidays this year. Even the cats are a little cranky. I think I am going to keep this one short. I really have not put much thought to my inner improvement this week.
I did loose three of the eight pounds I gained during thanksgiving. Whew! At this rate I will be back below 250 just in time for Christmas dinner. My prayers are dwindling again, but I am still working on it. I have not made any progress with my pride issues. That is it in a nut shell. Now I am off to try and plan out what is left of our holiday budget.
I did loose three of the eight pounds I gained during thanksgiving. Whew! At this rate I will be back below 250 just in time for Christmas dinner. My prayers are dwindling again, but I am still working on it. I have not made any progress with my pride issues. That is it in a nut shell. Now I am off to try and plan out what is left of our holiday budget.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Happy Holidays... *gulp*
Thanksgiving kicked my butt!
I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.
I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.
I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.
This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.
On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.
I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.
Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!
I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.
I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.
I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.
This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.
On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.
I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.
Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Major goal hit this week!
I am so very happy to announce that I finally dropped below 250 this week! This means I lost 38 lbs in five months. Not the rate I was hoping for but still making progress. But more importantly, I am making progress on my goal of replacing compulsive eating with God.
Since I have started this journey, I have begun to realize that idolizing food is more common than it first appeared. I have talked to many people who turn to overeating or starving instead of God to try and solve there problems.
When you break it down simply, how can anyone expect carb overload to help them solve their stress, their anxiety, or their grief? Yes, when you eat you get that endorphin high. You think you feel calmer as your body tries to get you to conserve energy while it switches to digestion overdrive. But those endorphins wear off and you still have your stressors that God should be helping you with, not the three helping of mashed potatoes and double chocolate cake. You try to give food the power of God and ignore God altogether.
The same is true for starving. You are replacing God's help with the high you get from using your self-discipline to overcome your body's basic needs. But as you feel the power-trip that you are able to out-will your body's needs, again it will wane off and you'll still have all those stressors that you are keeping from God. Instead of slowing down because your body simply cannot hold all your weight, you slow down because your body has nothing to work with. Granted, I do not understand this concept on a personal level because I am a compulsive overeater, but I can empathize about the struggle because the drive behind it is the same.
Making food your higher place is deadly. You either waste away to nothing or crush yourself with your own weight. It is not pretty but it is the price you pay for faults idols.
The biggest challenge for me as a compulsive overeater is that I am addicted to food. Generally, if I become obsessed with a particular something, I stop, full stop, and that solves the problem. Not always easy but the best way for me to have control over the problem. Well, I cannot stop eating all together. So the tricky part is that I have to continue eating and keep from worshiping my food instead of God.
I have the concepts, and I am happy to say I have abstained from overeating for a full two weeks now! Go me! I am praying better but still not as I should be and not to the point I was before I began worshiping food. But I am moving forward and if any of what I have said has struck a cord in any of you, my friends, than I feel good about sharing my troubles with you.
This is not an easy blog to type up for me, sharing my faults and stressors. I truly feel that I have a message that could help some people draw closer to God or even realize how worldly things can come between man and God. If I am able to help in this manner with even one person than this blog is so worth it!
Thanks for listening and see you next week!
(Thanksgiving has me quaking in my boots.)
Since I have started this journey, I have begun to realize that idolizing food is more common than it first appeared. I have talked to many people who turn to overeating or starving instead of God to try and solve there problems.
When you break it down simply, how can anyone expect carb overload to help them solve their stress, their anxiety, or their grief? Yes, when you eat you get that endorphin high. You think you feel calmer as your body tries to get you to conserve energy while it switches to digestion overdrive. But those endorphins wear off and you still have your stressors that God should be helping you with, not the three helping of mashed potatoes and double chocolate cake. You try to give food the power of God and ignore God altogether.
The same is true for starving. You are replacing God's help with the high you get from using your self-discipline to overcome your body's basic needs. But as you feel the power-trip that you are able to out-will your body's needs, again it will wane off and you'll still have all those stressors that you are keeping from God. Instead of slowing down because your body simply cannot hold all your weight, you slow down because your body has nothing to work with. Granted, I do not understand this concept on a personal level because I am a compulsive overeater, but I can empathize about the struggle because the drive behind it is the same.
Making food your higher place is deadly. You either waste away to nothing or crush yourself with your own weight. It is not pretty but it is the price you pay for faults idols.
The biggest challenge for me as a compulsive overeater is that I am addicted to food. Generally, if I become obsessed with a particular something, I stop, full stop, and that solves the problem. Not always easy but the best way for me to have control over the problem. Well, I cannot stop eating all together. So the tricky part is that I have to continue eating and keep from worshiping my food instead of God.
I have the concepts, and I am happy to say I have abstained from overeating for a full two weeks now! Go me! I am praying better but still not as I should be and not to the point I was before I began worshiping food. But I am moving forward and if any of what I have said has struck a cord in any of you, my friends, than I feel good about sharing my troubles with you.
This is not an easy blog to type up for me, sharing my faults and stressors. I truly feel that I have a message that could help some people draw closer to God or even realize how worldly things can come between man and God. If I am able to help in this manner with even one person than this blog is so worth it!
Thanks for listening and see you next week!
(Thanksgiving has me quaking in my boots.)
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...
I was so excited this morning when I stepped on the scale and I had finally lost some weight. I guess my plateau has finally passed. I lost two pounds last week! Much better than the one pound last month.
Ah, the holidays are approaching. I love giving gifts! Those wise men started a great tradition! Unfortunately it is going to be slim gifts this year but it will still be a great time. Aren't birthdays awesome? But I will admit that I am terrified about the meals. I do love to eat! That is kind of my problem. But I also love putting up the tree! Shinny and sparkly! And the time it take with the kids and all the "I remember when we got this ornament!" It is a big part of the bonding for me. (I think we should have hot chocolate while we put the tree up this year.) And we are starting to develop a new tradition as the kids get older. We make the Santa treats just like we always have and even set it up next to the fire place. Then we gather all the stocking stuffers and frantically wrestle with each other's stockings as we try to stuff them and keep the other person from peeking. Then we all share the Santa treat! I truly hope to do this when there are grandchildren pretending to be asleep somewhere near.
We are going to have most of the family for turkey dinner. And my husband wants to have my eldest daughter for Christmas. I am not too happy about that but I think I can manage it for a day.
I had been working on trying to forgive her for her actions and most of the time I ended up crying my eyes out. It is hard to forgive someone who is not looking for forgiveness but feels completely justified in their transgressions against you. (Can forgiveness be given without there being remorse?)
Therefore, I am taking a different step and hope that perhaps the forgiveness will follow. I am now trying to accept her opinion of me. If I can figure out how to be comfortable with the fact that she thinks I should not be part of the family, maybe I can let go how hurt I am. It is just who she is. I did my best and she certainly did not like it. I cannot do any more. Our relationship is just that, dislike and distrust. It is what it is and we have to learn to live around that. No mater what happens, she is a huge part of my heart. Even if I do as I usually do and just never go around the people who actively work against me, she will still always be with me. I may have adopted her and not actually birthed her, but she is still my daughter in my heart. I have always believed that holidays are for pulling family together.
My husband has a similar relationship with one of his brothers. The brother in question tried to take my stepson away from my husband. Katie tries to take all my kids from me. Hubby does not deal with it, but I have to. There is a part of me that resents that, but there is a part of me that knows I do not need to do this for other people. I just really wish I knew how to do this.
Well that is the holidays, the good, the bad and the ugly. I hope I can enjoy this holiday season and manage to keeping bringing down my higher place of food. Seems like a lot to manage but I have a feeling it is not more than most people have to manage. We all have a balancing act of family, friends and money during this time of year. It is a big part of what makes the Holidays exciting.
Ah, the holidays are approaching. I love giving gifts! Those wise men started a great tradition! Unfortunately it is going to be slim gifts this year but it will still be a great time. Aren't birthdays awesome? But I will admit that I am terrified about the meals. I do love to eat! That is kind of my problem. But I also love putting up the tree! Shinny and sparkly! And the time it take with the kids and all the "I remember when we got this ornament!" It is a big part of the bonding for me. (I think we should have hot chocolate while we put the tree up this year.) And we are starting to develop a new tradition as the kids get older. We make the Santa treats just like we always have and even set it up next to the fire place. Then we gather all the stocking stuffers and frantically wrestle with each other's stockings as we try to stuff them and keep the other person from peeking. Then we all share the Santa treat! I truly hope to do this when there are grandchildren pretending to be asleep somewhere near.
We are going to have most of the family for turkey dinner. And my husband wants to have my eldest daughter for Christmas. I am not too happy about that but I think I can manage it for a day.
I had been working on trying to forgive her for her actions and most of the time I ended up crying my eyes out. It is hard to forgive someone who is not looking for forgiveness but feels completely justified in their transgressions against you. (Can forgiveness be given without there being remorse?)
Therefore, I am taking a different step and hope that perhaps the forgiveness will follow. I am now trying to accept her opinion of me. If I can figure out how to be comfortable with the fact that she thinks I should not be part of the family, maybe I can let go how hurt I am. It is just who she is. I did my best and she certainly did not like it. I cannot do any more. Our relationship is just that, dislike and distrust. It is what it is and we have to learn to live around that. No mater what happens, she is a huge part of my heart. Even if I do as I usually do and just never go around the people who actively work against me, she will still always be with me. I may have adopted her and not actually birthed her, but she is still my daughter in my heart. I have always believed that holidays are for pulling family together.
My husband has a similar relationship with one of his brothers. The brother in question tried to take my stepson away from my husband. Katie tries to take all my kids from me. Hubby does not deal with it, but I have to. There is a part of me that resents that, but there is a part of me that knows I do not need to do this for other people. I just really wish I knew how to do this.
Well that is the holidays, the good, the bad and the ugly. I hope I can enjoy this holiday season and manage to keeping bringing down my higher place of food. Seems like a lot to manage but I have a feeling it is not more than most people have to manage. We all have a balancing act of family, friends and money during this time of year. It is a big part of what makes the Holidays exciting.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Iit's me again Margaret.
Here we are once again at my weekly blog time. This week just flew by for me.
Halloween, ate too much but got plenty of exercise. It must have balanced out because I did not gain any weight.
Spent the week getting Hattie ready for her new life as a legal adult. We got her college stuff ready and have been planning her birthday weekend. I am hoping she will throw in a little gift for me too and come to church with us on Sunday.
I did learn something this week but I do not really know what it means. I have talked previously about how I am struggling with my feeling toward my daughter and wanting to want to forgive her (that sounds strange). I learned that if I meditate on it for too long then I will spin myself in the exact opposite direction. I was working on trying to come to terms with how she has treated the family for the past three years and ended up extremely angry and crying for a day straight. I guess I am not going to be able to move forward on this until I see something that shows that she cares about the family and not just herself. Shoot, she does not even seem to care for herself from what I have seen. Whatever she is going through, I cannot grasp.
Well, there you go! That is all there was to me this week. No profound philosophy this week.
Big birthday weekend. My girl turns 18 tomorrow.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Moving forward, Slowly but surely.
Let me get the simple stuff out of the way first.
Yippy! I stayed on track at the gym this week. The only exception being today. Go me!
I tracked my diet much better this week. Still not perfect but I am making better progress each week.
My youngest daughter finished up her volley ball season and is thinking of soccer in the spring. My middle daughter got her college acceptance letter this week! Whoot! My son's grades are much better and he is even up to his own grade level of reading! The changes I have made in my efforts to giving my children a better life seems to be working! It makes me feel good about my choice to quit my retail job. Being available to my children has made such a big difference. Sure, the money is not as dependable, but the kids do not care. They are fine with not getting as many trinkets. As a matter of fact, they have not even seemed to notice. I had gotten so lost about what I should be doing as a mother. It took my husband pushing me to do the right thing and seeing the difference for myself to learn that I was letting my kids down by putting my job before my mothering. I will never forget what my husband has given me by putting his foot down about my job. The Lord really blessed me with that man!
Now to the bigger section of my blog. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this week about my food problem. And about what is the root of the whole problem. The bible is full of stories that tell that God grants abundance to those who are loyal to Him. I don't think anyone can dispute that America is blessed (until recently). With those blessings comes the opportunity for the devil to work in his favorite ways, using Gods blessing against you.
My sin is gluttony. I am a compulsive over eater. The blessings God gave this country of an abundance of food, I managed to turn into a higher place. But my gluttony is not the only way the devil uses this blessing. I have a new, dear friend who suffers from anorexia. In talking to her about her struggles, it seems to me that the devil will also use pride to turn food into a higher place. If you are susceptible to pride and have very little control over your life, I can see how the ability to control food intake could become your higher place as well. Be it pride or gluttony, turning food into a higher place will kill you. It will either waist you away or crush you. Really the basics are the same.
I have spent the last several years looking for someone else to fix me in this problem I have. I am just now starting to realize that there is not any man out there who can help. It is completely up to God and I. I have taken the first step and acknowledged that I am a compulsive over eater. I have a deadly problem. I am working on letting God guide me. I am not all that great at this part yet. I still fall back into the trap that I am just wasting God's time (that is the devil whispering in my ear). I am still having to remind myself to not put my own short comings on God as though he suffers from them too. I am working on giving over myself to God and relying on His strength and not my own, which has already failed me time and time again.
Things to try this week:
1. Take a few minutes before each meal to meditate and pray. Not just thank God for the blessing of food but also for His strength to eat to live and not live to eat.
2. Read a little in my new self help book about compulsive over eating.
3. Research about where an OA meeting that I might be able to attend may be. (Maybe drag my brother to it with me.)
Yippy! I stayed on track at the gym this week. The only exception being today. Go me!
I tracked my diet much better this week. Still not perfect but I am making better progress each week.
My youngest daughter finished up her volley ball season and is thinking of soccer in the spring. My middle daughter got her college acceptance letter this week! Whoot! My son's grades are much better and he is even up to his own grade level of reading! The changes I have made in my efforts to giving my children a better life seems to be working! It makes me feel good about my choice to quit my retail job. Being available to my children has made such a big difference. Sure, the money is not as dependable, but the kids do not care. They are fine with not getting as many trinkets. As a matter of fact, they have not even seemed to notice. I had gotten so lost about what I should be doing as a mother. It took my husband pushing me to do the right thing and seeing the difference for myself to learn that I was letting my kids down by putting my job before my mothering. I will never forget what my husband has given me by putting his foot down about my job. The Lord really blessed me with that man!
Now to the bigger section of my blog. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this week about my food problem. And about what is the root of the whole problem. The bible is full of stories that tell that God grants abundance to those who are loyal to Him. I don't think anyone can dispute that America is blessed (until recently). With those blessings comes the opportunity for the devil to work in his favorite ways, using Gods blessing against you.
My sin is gluttony. I am a compulsive over eater. The blessings God gave this country of an abundance of food, I managed to turn into a higher place. But my gluttony is not the only way the devil uses this blessing. I have a new, dear friend who suffers from anorexia. In talking to her about her struggles, it seems to me that the devil will also use pride to turn food into a higher place. If you are susceptible to pride and have very little control over your life, I can see how the ability to control food intake could become your higher place as well. Be it pride or gluttony, turning food into a higher place will kill you. It will either waist you away or crush you. Really the basics are the same.
I have spent the last several years looking for someone else to fix me in this problem I have. I am just now starting to realize that there is not any man out there who can help. It is completely up to God and I. I have taken the first step and acknowledged that I am a compulsive over eater. I have a deadly problem. I am working on letting God guide me. I am not all that great at this part yet. I still fall back into the trap that I am just wasting God's time (that is the devil whispering in my ear). I am still having to remind myself to not put my own short comings on God as though he suffers from them too. I am working on giving over myself to God and relying on His strength and not my own, which has already failed me time and time again.
Things to try this week:
1. Take a few minutes before each meal to meditate and pray. Not just thank God for the blessing of food but also for His strength to eat to live and not live to eat.
2. Read a little in my new self help book about compulsive over eating.
3. Research about where an OA meeting that I might be able to attend may be. (Maybe drag my brother to it with me.)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Getting back to normal, or at least where I'd rather be.
I am happy to announce that I am on my second week of antidepressants and vitamins. My idea of reading while I workout did in fact get me back to the gym, and I finally lost some weight! Above all else I made another spiritual gain too! Good week even though I was still rather grumpy for half of it.
I finally got myself to try taking a book and reading while on a bike for 20 min. It is awesome! I enjoy the books so much that I barely notice the 20 minutes tick by. As a matter of fact, I think if there was not the timer on the bike I would keep going and loose track of my time management. Can we day "muse found?" Yes we can! I have gone every day this week! True, I do not get my weight training in this way, but it is definitely better than not going at all.
Two days ago I was finishing up a Christian romance novel, Daughter of Joy: Brides of Culdee Creek, Book 1, during my workout. There was a quote from one of the characters that finally made what I have been working on realizing hit home. "Don't limit the Lord with your own shallow perceptions of Him, or assign Him a level of compassion equal only to yours." That is exactly what I have been doing! I could not accept for forgiveness because I know I am going to sin again and it is likely it will be the same sin. I figured that I would not be able to be forgiven after a while. I know I get sick of the same transgressions over and over again. I eventually chuck it up to a bad egg and move on. But God is not like me. I am limited by sin and my earthly body. After all, is that not what I am doing here writing this blog? I am trying to improve my body so I can live the life God intends for me. Life is short and I have spent half my life morbidly obese.
So, I am finally accepting God's forgiveness and am letting go of a lot of my guilt. I hope I can build on this and start forgiving some of the people who have hurt me so bad. Trying to find that line between forgiveness and trust. You can forgive someone, but that does not mean you have to fall for the same transgressions again. But how do you do that? Especially when it is your own child who has turned against you and hurt you. My children and husband are my reason for living. And my own child tried to have me removed from the home for child abuse. If it were not for the authorities talking to my other kids first, she would have succeeded. I had less pain when my mother died. I do not know what to do with all of this, or how to forgive it. I so badly want to take her in my arms and just let it all go. But I also feel to do that means I have to give up my other three children, and I cannot.
I stuck to my diet pretty good for four days and I lost some weight finally. Gee, imagine that! I actually work the program and I get results! I am down to 253 and am very excited to be making progress once more. I hope to break 250 next week.
Yesterday I finished my third course! WHOOT! Course four has some anatomy left to do but is also a lot of little stuff like how to use e-mail. It should go much faster. I cannot wait to start making money again! There is a part of me that was thinking I should have done billing and coding because those thought processes come more naturally to me. Then I realize that I would get tired of it sooner and I feel better about my choice.
I am feeling so much better that I believe I will set some week long goals again, instead of the one day at a time method.
1. Reach 250 pounds.
2. Get back to reading my devotionals.
3. Try to get some time for my brother.
4. Finish the Halloween costumes.
Wish me luck!
I finally got myself to try taking a book and reading while on a bike for 20 min. It is awesome! I enjoy the books so much that I barely notice the 20 minutes tick by. As a matter of fact, I think if there was not the timer on the bike I would keep going and loose track of my time management. Can we day "muse found?" Yes we can! I have gone every day this week! True, I do not get my weight training in this way, but it is definitely better than not going at all.
Two days ago I was finishing up a Christian romance novel, Daughter of Joy: Brides of Culdee Creek, Book 1, during my workout. There was a quote from one of the characters that finally made what I have been working on realizing hit home. "Don't limit the Lord with your own shallow perceptions of Him, or assign Him a level of compassion equal only to yours." That is exactly what I have been doing! I could not accept for forgiveness because I know I am going to sin again and it is likely it will be the same sin. I figured that I would not be able to be forgiven after a while. I know I get sick of the same transgressions over and over again. I eventually chuck it up to a bad egg and move on. But God is not like me. I am limited by sin and my earthly body. After all, is that not what I am doing here writing this blog? I am trying to improve my body so I can live the life God intends for me. Life is short and I have spent half my life morbidly obese.
So, I am finally accepting God's forgiveness and am letting go of a lot of my guilt. I hope I can build on this and start forgiving some of the people who have hurt me so bad. Trying to find that line between forgiveness and trust. You can forgive someone, but that does not mean you have to fall for the same transgressions again. But how do you do that? Especially when it is your own child who has turned against you and hurt you. My children and husband are my reason for living. And my own child tried to have me removed from the home for child abuse. If it were not for the authorities talking to my other kids first, she would have succeeded. I had less pain when my mother died. I do not know what to do with all of this, or how to forgive it. I so badly want to take her in my arms and just let it all go. But I also feel to do that means I have to give up my other three children, and I cannot.
I stuck to my diet pretty good for four days and I lost some weight finally. Gee, imagine that! I actually work the program and I get results! I am down to 253 and am very excited to be making progress once more. I hope to break 250 next week.
Yesterday I finished my third course! WHOOT! Course four has some anatomy left to do but is also a lot of little stuff like how to use e-mail. It should go much faster. I cannot wait to start making money again! There is a part of me that was thinking I should have done billing and coding because those thought processes come more naturally to me. Then I realize that I would get tired of it sooner and I feel better about my choice.
I am feeling so much better that I believe I will set some week long goals again, instead of the one day at a time method.
1. Reach 250 pounds.
2. Get back to reading my devotionals.
3. Try to get some time for my brother.
4. Finish the Halloween costumes.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Here it is again. Darn it.
Hello again!
I suppose I should just get this out in the open. I struggle with mild depression. I feel so silly about it. I have two brothers who are schizophrenic, they have to deal with so much more than I do that it seems ridiculous to me that I struggle with it at all. I mean it really is not all that bad. Sure, I get the stupid thoughts of suicide from time to time but my faith in Jesus and that if I can just get to heaven it will all go away, well I am not messing that one up. I am glad to say I only gave it a stab once and I was a teen at the time so really it was more attention-seeking behavior than depression. But still, compared to having to spend the majority of the day figuring out what is real and what is illness, my little problem of self worth seems so small and insignificant. But it still puts a pretty hard spin on life when you feel like you are a waste of oxygen.
So, I have been struggling with my depression this week. I did not make it to the gym. I barely counted my points for my diet. I have only done one half of a chapter in my studies (I normally do a chapter and a half.) All I really want to do is sew and read but I did not even do much of that either. I mostly ran all over town, wasting gas and trying to outrun myself.
I am going to my brother's for lunch and to see his new furniture. I hope it turns out to be a good visit and our mental issues don't feed off of each other. Nether one of us need that.
Due to this bump in my road, I am going to scale it back from weekly goals to daily goals and just inch along for a while.
Today:
1. Do not over eat.
2. See my brother and try to not cross hairs.
3. Pick up my son from school.
4. Cook dinner.
5. Attend the church outing this evening with my husband.
Wish me luck!
I suppose I should just get this out in the open. I struggle with mild depression. I feel so silly about it. I have two brothers who are schizophrenic, they have to deal with so much more than I do that it seems ridiculous to me that I struggle with it at all. I mean it really is not all that bad. Sure, I get the stupid thoughts of suicide from time to time but my faith in Jesus and that if I can just get to heaven it will all go away, well I am not messing that one up. I am glad to say I only gave it a stab once and I was a teen at the time so really it was more attention-seeking behavior than depression. But still, compared to having to spend the majority of the day figuring out what is real and what is illness, my little problem of self worth seems so small and insignificant. But it still puts a pretty hard spin on life when you feel like you are a waste of oxygen.
So, I have been struggling with my depression this week. I did not make it to the gym. I barely counted my points for my diet. I have only done one half of a chapter in my studies (I normally do a chapter and a half.) All I really want to do is sew and read but I did not even do much of that either. I mostly ran all over town, wasting gas and trying to outrun myself.
I am going to my brother's for lunch and to see his new furniture. I hope it turns out to be a good visit and our mental issues don't feed off of each other. Nether one of us need that.
Due to this bump in my road, I am going to scale it back from weekly goals to daily goals and just inch along for a while.
Today:
1. Do not over eat.
2. See my brother and try to not cross hairs.
3. Pick up my son from school.
4. Cook dinner.
5. Attend the church outing this evening with my husband.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
F+, for Frustrated and Faltering.
In some aspects it has been a good week and in some aspects it has been a bad week. But today, at the end of my week, I feel icky. That is, physically icky.
My biggest struggle is food. That stuff really has a hold on me. I so wish there was a way to not have to eat. I am ready to quit it cold turkey today. I was not doing good to start with this month. Not lost a pound in three weeks. Then I decide to start fresh and I gain two pounds. I ate junk this week. Not nearly as healthy foods as I had been eating and now I feel sick. I am not talking emotionally sick, I mean achy and painful sick. I don't think I have ever done this to myself. A part of me wants to blame it on the health food. It has made my body incapable of handling real food. And then my reality check tells me that deep fried and gravy smothered is not real food. But it still tastes so good.
I seem to be falling back to my old way of eating. Lots of grease and cheese and so long as no one sees me eat it, then it does not count. Right? I am so messed in the head. There is a very loud part of my head right now that wants to run to the corner grocery store and get their country breakfast with two biscuits smothered in about two cups of sawmill gravy and two eggs with four slices of bacon. Then go lay down and watch the entire series of Firefly. The funny thing is, that is wallowing and I have so much exciting everything else that I should be energized and excited about finishing my third course. But because I ate fried chicken and gravy last night, I am all mopey and wanting to disappear today. Grr! Why is food so potent to me! Why do two of my favorite flavors in the universe have to be so bad for me! Why cannot I not just eat what is good for me and enjoy it. It is not like I don't like vegetables and most of the good stuff. But then I get near the junk food when I am in a good mood and WHAM! I eat it and ruin the next few days because I feel like this. *sigh*
I did read my OA inspiration devotionals about three times this week. I am honestly thinking that I need to get back in a group, but I am not sure I really want to start that intense of an adjustment until I am done with my studies. There is already a ton of new life kind of stuff going on right now, I am afraid that I am just going to overwhelm myself and cause all of it to come down.
On the better side of life. I am pounding away at my studies. I finished two units and three anatomy systems since last I blogged! This is great! I have two systems left to finish course three and start on course four! There are only five courses and the fifth course is supposed to be mostly business class kind of stuff. I pick up on that stuff pretty fast. I am hoping a month and a half. I hope to be gainfully employed by Thanksgiving. *mmm thanksgiving* I got in my dictation peddle and it makes life much easier and has really sped up my time. I am averaging around $18 and hour at $0.40 per line. And my error margin is down to about 16%! This is much better than my 28% just two units ago! I think I will do fine. The university is even considering me employable!
I am doing good about church and better about praying. I would like to do something for the church. You know, my contribution. But most of the things I am good at, my church already has an exceptional person taking care of it. I may look into the church bulletin. It is inconsistent and could be improved, but I do not know if I would be insulting someone if I mentioned it.
I did go to the gym once this week. It is better than none. But not as good as three times. My life in concern to this is a try again. I do not seem to be too upset about it though. I did enjoy hopping on the bike, set to fat burn, and reading for 30 min. But I got a lot later start to my studies than I wanted. Time management is awkward about this still. I am wondering if first thing in the morning is good or not. But I do settle into work faster when I do. I am calmer about it too. I just need to keep finding books I like to read and consider it my reading time. Maybe that will work. I mean I will not be able to weight train, but something is better than nothing.
I went out last night with a new friend! She is awesome and cute and does not get frustrated with me when my off-the-wall pop culture references come flying out of my mouth. I had a blast! It was so nice to giggle and talk and all that jazz. And she is interested in maybe doing a wine club with me. I would love to make that a new years thing and actually work through the book I have to learn about wine in a year. Plus she is a gamer too. Granted not a highly experienced gamer, but I can fix that. :) It is amazing how much better you can end up feeling about yourself when you have a friend you feel good about too.
1. Keep improving on my school. *muse found*
2. Find a way to get my butt in the gym three times a week. *new approach to try this week*
3. Put down the damn greasy foods! * no idea how to get inspired about getting my diet in swing again.*
Wish me luck!
My biggest struggle is food. That stuff really has a hold on me. I so wish there was a way to not have to eat. I am ready to quit it cold turkey today. I was not doing good to start with this month. Not lost a pound in three weeks. Then I decide to start fresh and I gain two pounds. I ate junk this week. Not nearly as healthy foods as I had been eating and now I feel sick. I am not talking emotionally sick, I mean achy and painful sick. I don't think I have ever done this to myself. A part of me wants to blame it on the health food. It has made my body incapable of handling real food. And then my reality check tells me that deep fried and gravy smothered is not real food. But it still tastes so good.
I seem to be falling back to my old way of eating. Lots of grease and cheese and so long as no one sees me eat it, then it does not count. Right? I am so messed in the head. There is a very loud part of my head right now that wants to run to the corner grocery store and get their country breakfast with two biscuits smothered in about two cups of sawmill gravy and two eggs with four slices of bacon. Then go lay down and watch the entire series of Firefly. The funny thing is, that is wallowing and I have so much exciting everything else that I should be energized and excited about finishing my third course. But because I ate fried chicken and gravy last night, I am all mopey and wanting to disappear today. Grr! Why is food so potent to me! Why do two of my favorite flavors in the universe have to be so bad for me! Why cannot I not just eat what is good for me and enjoy it. It is not like I don't like vegetables and most of the good stuff. But then I get near the junk food when I am in a good mood and WHAM! I eat it and ruin the next few days because I feel like this. *sigh*
I did read my OA inspiration devotionals about three times this week. I am honestly thinking that I need to get back in a group, but I am not sure I really want to start that intense of an adjustment until I am done with my studies. There is already a ton of new life kind of stuff going on right now, I am afraid that I am just going to overwhelm myself and cause all of it to come down.
On the better side of life. I am pounding away at my studies. I finished two units and three anatomy systems since last I blogged! This is great! I have two systems left to finish course three and start on course four! There are only five courses and the fifth course is supposed to be mostly business class kind of stuff. I pick up on that stuff pretty fast. I am hoping a month and a half. I hope to be gainfully employed by Thanksgiving. *mmm thanksgiving* I got in my dictation peddle and it makes life much easier and has really sped up my time. I am averaging around $18 and hour at $0.40 per line. And my error margin is down to about 16%! This is much better than my 28% just two units ago! I think I will do fine. The university is even considering me employable!
I am doing good about church and better about praying. I would like to do something for the church. You know, my contribution. But most of the things I am good at, my church already has an exceptional person taking care of it. I may look into the church bulletin. It is inconsistent and could be improved, but I do not know if I would be insulting someone if I mentioned it.
I did go to the gym once this week. It is better than none. But not as good as three times. My life in concern to this is a try again. I do not seem to be too upset about it though. I did enjoy hopping on the bike, set to fat burn, and reading for 30 min. But I got a lot later start to my studies than I wanted. Time management is awkward about this still. I am wondering if first thing in the morning is good or not. But I do settle into work faster when I do. I am calmer about it too. I just need to keep finding books I like to read and consider it my reading time. Maybe that will work. I mean I will not be able to weight train, but something is better than nothing.
I went out last night with a new friend! She is awesome and cute and does not get frustrated with me when my off-the-wall pop culture references come flying out of my mouth. I had a blast! It was so nice to giggle and talk and all that jazz. And she is interested in maybe doing a wine club with me. I would love to make that a new years thing and actually work through the book I have to learn about wine in a year. Plus she is a gamer too. Granted not a highly experienced gamer, but I can fix that. :) It is amazing how much better you can end up feeling about yourself when you have a friend you feel good about too.
1. Keep improving on my school. *muse found*
2. Find a way to get my butt in the gym three times a week. *new approach to try this week*
3. Put down the damn greasy foods! * no idea how to get inspired about getting my diet in swing again.*
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Life interrupted.
I know, I know, it has been a while since I blogged. This blogging is not all that easy for me. Not to mention, I have miss placed my muse.
As most of you know, my brother's house got a tree through it and he was living with us for a short while. Good news is that the house is fixed and things are pretty much back to normal. The bad news is he and my daughter got each other's last nerve. Oh the drama! I don't want to go into detail but lets just say the two of them have been heavy on my mind and heart since it happened.
Once my brother moved back into his house, my husband lost his job. GREAT! I just quit mine to be home for the kids and finish my studies, then this! On the up side, he got a new one almost instantly. It does not start until Oct 10th but we have enough to get us through. We are without insurance until Jan. Not as much pay but better opportunities and slightly better benefits. So I guess we are starting all over, again.
He took the spare time to build me an office! It is beautiful! Huge boost to the studying drive and my "can do" attitude toward my new career.
You add that to school starting and you have one stretched out woman. I have been able to maintain my weight but have lost a good deal of my "let's do this" attitude. I know I need this for a ton of reasons. But I am a stress eater and with this many changes in a short time.... Let's just say I would love a grilled cheese sandwich marathon! Followed by and ice cream feast! With my cravings, I should be proud that I have managed to maintain my weight. But I am not. I am disappointed in myself.
I go to the gym about once a week, sometimes not at all. I do not know what is up with that. I am supposed to enjoy it right. I mean, exercise is supposed to be great and up lifting and people just love it. Well I am gonna call shenanigans on that! Exercise is painful and awkward and I am not a fan. I know it is needed.
I am an indoor only kind of girl. Sure, I really enjoyed the beach, in the evening, when not many people were out there. And I love long walks in the woods, when it is not hot or rainy. Lets face it, I am not good at being outside. That is why I joined a gym. Maybe if I can find someone to do it with and does not manage to make me feel more awkward about it, then I might like it. But seriously, doubt that is gonna happen. My step-son has been a good source of encouragement with this but he is 200 miles away and in college. I do not want to bug the shit out of him just to compare workout goals. My brother is doing great with his, but for some reason I feel awkward sharing my workout goals with him. I have no idea why. So this part of my life is struggling more than my diet.
Fortunately, I have gotten much better at getting to church. I do love this part, but I am still lacking in my prayers. I just don't feel that God should be bothered by me when there are so many out there who need him more. Why should I be so special as to get even more blessings? What gives me the right to go asking for more when I have the perfect husband for me, wonderful children, and a good home?
There I go again thinking I know better what God should spend his time doing! This is a difficult concept for me to get planted in my brain. Logically, God is going to do what is right by all those who let him. So go ahead and pray for the guidance and ask for the help. If it is part of his will, it will be done. So why cut him out because he has blessed me in the past. We are not born with so many blessing tokens and that is all we get. God does not ration his love. What gives me the right to ration it for him? Geeze, I can be dense.
So I am on a mission to try and find my muse again. Next week:
1. Find my physical muse: I am going to make an effort to go to the gym at least 3 times.
2. Find my nutritional muse: I am going to pick up my OA devotionals again.
3. Find my prayer muse: I am going to add a prayer after every OA reading.
(Maybe I should try to find an OA group again.)
I am doing good with my studies, and three additional goals seems like a lot to me in regards to life changes. So there I am. Wish me luck!
As most of you know, my brother's house got a tree through it and he was living with us for a short while. Good news is that the house is fixed and things are pretty much back to normal. The bad news is he and my daughter got each other's last nerve. Oh the drama! I don't want to go into detail but lets just say the two of them have been heavy on my mind and heart since it happened.
Once my brother moved back into his house, my husband lost his job. GREAT! I just quit mine to be home for the kids and finish my studies, then this! On the up side, he got a new one almost instantly. It does not start until Oct 10th but we have enough to get us through. We are without insurance until Jan. Not as much pay but better opportunities and slightly better benefits. So I guess we are starting all over, again.
He took the spare time to build me an office! It is beautiful! Huge boost to the studying drive and my "can do" attitude toward my new career.
You add that to school starting and you have one stretched out woman. I have been able to maintain my weight but have lost a good deal of my "let's do this" attitude. I know I need this for a ton of reasons. But I am a stress eater and with this many changes in a short time.... Let's just say I would love a grilled cheese sandwich marathon! Followed by and ice cream feast! With my cravings, I should be proud that I have managed to maintain my weight. But I am not. I am disappointed in myself.
I go to the gym about once a week, sometimes not at all. I do not know what is up with that. I am supposed to enjoy it right. I mean, exercise is supposed to be great and up lifting and people just love it. Well I am gonna call shenanigans on that! Exercise is painful and awkward and I am not a fan. I know it is needed.
I am an indoor only kind of girl. Sure, I really enjoyed the beach, in the evening, when not many people were out there. And I love long walks in the woods, when it is not hot or rainy. Lets face it, I am not good at being outside. That is why I joined a gym. Maybe if I can find someone to do it with and does not manage to make me feel more awkward about it, then I might like it. But seriously, doubt that is gonna happen. My step-son has been a good source of encouragement with this but he is 200 miles away and in college. I do not want to bug the shit out of him just to compare workout goals. My brother is doing great with his, but for some reason I feel awkward sharing my workout goals with him. I have no idea why. So this part of my life is struggling more than my diet.
Fortunately, I have gotten much better at getting to church. I do love this part, but I am still lacking in my prayers. I just don't feel that God should be bothered by me when there are so many out there who need him more. Why should I be so special as to get even more blessings? What gives me the right to go asking for more when I have the perfect husband for me, wonderful children, and a good home?
There I go again thinking I know better what God should spend his time doing! This is a difficult concept for me to get planted in my brain. Logically, God is going to do what is right by all those who let him. So go ahead and pray for the guidance and ask for the help. If it is part of his will, it will be done. So why cut him out because he has blessed me in the past. We are not born with so many blessing tokens and that is all we get. God does not ration his love. What gives me the right to ration it for him? Geeze, I can be dense.
So I am on a mission to try and find my muse again. Next week:
1. Find my physical muse: I am going to make an effort to go to the gym at least 3 times.
2. Find my nutritional muse: I am going to pick up my OA devotionals again.
3. Find my prayer muse: I am going to add a prayer after every OA reading.
(Maybe I should try to find an OA group again.)
I am doing good with my studies, and three additional goals seems like a lot to me in regards to life changes. So there I am. Wish me luck!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Bad Kitty
Tragic week for me! I have been a bad bad kitty. On my diet anyway.
I gained 2 pounds! I stepped on the scale and then tried it again. I did so well the second half of the week. But i guess it just does not make up for the first half of the week and going on an egg roll bender. And a cake ball bender. I tried out a cake ball recipe for a friend's birthday. They were great. So, I made some more a few days later. That same birthday party we had loompias. Traditionally these are little fried rolls of meat heaven! So I ate way too many while getting ready for the party. Then, two days latter I pulled out some more. Finally a friend of mine said I needed to figure a better way and insisted I figure out how to bake them instead. That at least help some. They were really good baked! But I still ate about 20 of them.
I managed to get to the gym three times this week. I am at the part of my plan that I am supposed to be going 4 - 5 times a week. I guess we will see. NO! Scratch that! I am doing it. I can barely lift my arms over my shoulders but I am still going. *so sore*
In summery, I started my diet weighing about 278 or so. I am down to 158. Wow! I just realized I lost two bags of potatoes. Sweet! That helped a little in getting over my 2 pound gain. I am just gonna work harder at staying to my diet this week. I am making more cake balls this weekend for a little party we are having for my youngest daughter's birthday. it s a little early but since she was born on labor day weekend, if we are gonna have friends for the birthday than we need to have it early. I cannot wait! BATH JUNKIE!!!!!! some hopefully the pops are a big ht and there will not be many leftovers.
I got back on board with praying for my diet again about Wednesday. I have had an easier time these past two days. I am also praying for my brother Jim as we come to a close on the construction on his house next week. It will be so good for him to have his house back. My husband also needs prayers as his work environment has become hostile and it is putting his job in danger. My Henry is facing quite a challenge this year as it seems that he missed out on education of any kind in 3rd grade. I like to pray about friends who come to me with things to vent about or a shoulder to lean on, and my cousin as she is engaged with, most likely, the hardest job she will ever have. Staying at home with three very young kids. There seems to be so much going on, yet God still found the time to grant me diet strength these past few days. I am honored.
I think I am going to end on that happy note. My daughter Hattie says I need to think better of myself. Happy note endings are good for that kind of stuff.
Have a great week!
I gained 2 pounds! I stepped on the scale and then tried it again. I did so well the second half of the week. But i guess it just does not make up for the first half of the week and going on an egg roll bender. And a cake ball bender. I tried out a cake ball recipe for a friend's birthday. They were great. So, I made some more a few days later. That same birthday party we had loompias. Traditionally these are little fried rolls of meat heaven! So I ate way too many while getting ready for the party. Then, two days latter I pulled out some more. Finally a friend of mine said I needed to figure a better way and insisted I figure out how to bake them instead. That at least help some. They were really good baked! But I still ate about 20 of them.
I managed to get to the gym three times this week. I am at the part of my plan that I am supposed to be going 4 - 5 times a week. I guess we will see. NO! Scratch that! I am doing it. I can barely lift my arms over my shoulders but I am still going. *so sore*
In summery, I started my diet weighing about 278 or so. I am down to 158. Wow! I just realized I lost two bags of potatoes. Sweet! That helped a little in getting over my 2 pound gain. I am just gonna work harder at staying to my diet this week. I am making more cake balls this weekend for a little party we are having for my youngest daughter's birthday. it s a little early but since she was born on labor day weekend, if we are gonna have friends for the birthday than we need to have it early. I cannot wait! BATH JUNKIE!!!!!! some hopefully the pops are a big ht and there will not be many leftovers.
I got back on board with praying for my diet again about Wednesday. I have had an easier time these past two days. I am also praying for my brother Jim as we come to a close on the construction on his house next week. It will be so good for him to have his house back. My husband also needs prayers as his work environment has become hostile and it is putting his job in danger. My Henry is facing quite a challenge this year as it seems that he missed out on education of any kind in 3rd grade. I like to pray about friends who come to me with things to vent about or a shoulder to lean on, and my cousin as she is engaged with, most likely, the hardest job she will ever have. Staying at home with three very young kids. There seems to be so much going on, yet God still found the time to grant me diet strength these past few days. I am honored.
I think I am going to end on that happy note. My daughter Hattie says I need to think better of myself. Happy note endings are good for that kind of stuff.
Have a great week!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Bringing down my higher places.
Crazy week for this past week. Getting all the kids ready for school. Trying to adjust to student mode instead of earning money mode. Getting some spiritual rightness solidified in my head. Trying to acknowledge what is in my heart. Big stuff.
Where to start? Well, I generally start with my diet, so I will start there. I hit 256 this week which was my last goal. Next I will hit 250. I wonder every time I set a short term goal, "Am I going too light on myself?" I get very confused over the short-term goal thing. And then I will hear that little self-defeating voice in my head saying "I have not really lost anything, this has all been water weight. A hamburger would make me feel better about it." I am starting to think of that voice as the devil's influence. I can get so obsessed with food sometimes that is seems nothing else exists.
The preacher at church is doing a sermon series he is calling Higher Places. What he means is the things we tend to idolize until they suddenly become more important than God. At that point you are worshiping an idol. I know two of mine. Unfortunately, neither are ones you can quit. Food and money.
Now, I have not let money get me too far away from God. But I was heading there. I was convincing myself that my job, the money I made, was most important. God blessed me with a wonderful bunch of children, and I have always believed that they are what God wants of me. But my job had me working nights and weekends. So I never saw my kids. I was convinced that there was no other way to support my family. On top of that, I was starting to think that if I could just make enough money, than my kids would be better off. I was thinking that they needed the money more than they needed me. And all that I was worth was what I was making. In just the one week I have been home from Walgreen's, there has been a huge difference at home. The idea of making more money to get things, was blinding me from the blessings and responsibility God gave me. It really took my husband pushing me to take the leap, for me to break from my path to idolizing money. I was convincing myself that money was better than being a mother to my kids. I am glad that I did not finish that path. We still need money, that will never change. I will still need to bring in a good amount of it, but I need to do it in a way that does not take me away from God's plan.
I have touched on how I idolize food. I have made food what controls my emotions, what controls my day, what controls a large part of my life. I turned food into my strength. God should be my strength. If I could stop eating I would. Tough through a few weeks of withdrawal (probably a few times), join a support group and remove it from my life. However, you don't live much of a life if you don't eat. Sure, someone might look at this and say, "there is always a liquid diet," but that person simply does not understand where I am coming from. Hopefully they never will. Idolizing food has made me a really good cook. Perk! But it is breaking down my body and literally killing me. My legs hurt most of the time. My feet hurt most of the time. I am depressed and have mood swings. I am tired most of the time. My idea that food cures everything is wrong. If I am craving really bad, I forget to pray. Something my husband has been struggling to get me to see for years. I do not mean just at the table. I stop praying. Food can pull me away from God which means I am putting food before God. I am trying to change this. Part of why I started this blog.
I am not sure if I am in danger of any other higher places but it is possible. I know that to stop obsessing about food is going to be a battle for a while. And I will need God's help for that. I have been getting it, so I have hope for forgiveness. Maybe I am not as far gone as I fear. God loves me and I want to stay on this earth and enjoy the blessings God has granted.
Where to start? Well, I generally start with my diet, so I will start there. I hit 256 this week which was my last goal. Next I will hit 250. I wonder every time I set a short term goal, "Am I going too light on myself?" I get very confused over the short-term goal thing. And then I will hear that little self-defeating voice in my head saying "I have not really lost anything, this has all been water weight. A hamburger would make me feel better about it." I am starting to think of that voice as the devil's influence. I can get so obsessed with food sometimes that is seems nothing else exists.
The preacher at church is doing a sermon series he is calling Higher Places. What he means is the things we tend to idolize until they suddenly become more important than God. At that point you are worshiping an idol. I know two of mine. Unfortunately, neither are ones you can quit. Food and money.
Now, I have not let money get me too far away from God. But I was heading there. I was convincing myself that my job, the money I made, was most important. God blessed me with a wonderful bunch of children, and I have always believed that they are what God wants of me. But my job had me working nights and weekends. So I never saw my kids. I was convinced that there was no other way to support my family. On top of that, I was starting to think that if I could just make enough money, than my kids would be better off. I was thinking that they needed the money more than they needed me. And all that I was worth was what I was making. In just the one week I have been home from Walgreen's, there has been a huge difference at home. The idea of making more money to get things, was blinding me from the blessings and responsibility God gave me. It really took my husband pushing me to take the leap, for me to break from my path to idolizing money. I was convincing myself that money was better than being a mother to my kids. I am glad that I did not finish that path. We still need money, that will never change. I will still need to bring in a good amount of it, but I need to do it in a way that does not take me away from God's plan.
I have touched on how I idolize food. I have made food what controls my emotions, what controls my day, what controls a large part of my life. I turned food into my strength. God should be my strength. If I could stop eating I would. Tough through a few weeks of withdrawal (probably a few times), join a support group and remove it from my life. However, you don't live much of a life if you don't eat. Sure, someone might look at this and say, "there is always a liquid diet," but that person simply does not understand where I am coming from. Hopefully they never will. Idolizing food has made me a really good cook. Perk! But it is breaking down my body and literally killing me. My legs hurt most of the time. My feet hurt most of the time. I am depressed and have mood swings. I am tired most of the time. My idea that food cures everything is wrong. If I am craving really bad, I forget to pray. Something my husband has been struggling to get me to see for years. I do not mean just at the table. I stop praying. Food can pull me away from God which means I am putting food before God. I am trying to change this. Part of why I started this blog.
I am not sure if I am in danger of any other higher places but it is possible. I know that to stop obsessing about food is going to be a battle for a while. And I will need God's help for that. I have been getting it, so I have hope for forgiveness. Maybe I am not as far gone as I fear. God loves me and I want to stay on this earth and enjoy the blessings God has granted.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
One Goal Down!
I have tonight and tomorrow afternoon and then I am free from the job that has been dragging me down since they booted me out of the office and back to the stores. I will not longer be a retail reject but a Medical Transcriptionist. Go me. I cannot wait. Down side: No benefits. Up side: I will be home for the kids and I will never miss another holiday! Then there are all the other benefits that are more personal likes and dislikes that apply. I know that I will be not where I want in my skills for about 6 months to a year but I am starting a boring job that fascinates me. Kind of like when I was a Regional Pricing coordinator. (I really loved that job)
I lost one pound last week. But I am thinking I lost more than that because it is my time to pack on some weight due to water. But I will look like I lost a ton next week. :) I start my morning work outs week after next. Sharry's middle school is right next to the gym. So I will drop the kids off at school and work out before going home. Whoot! *gulp*
I am getting a bit better on my prayers this week. And with leaving Walgreen's I will be in church on Sunday morning!!!!
Gosh! I had a good week! How excited am I!?!
I lost one pound last week. But I am thinking I lost more than that because it is my time to pack on some weight due to water. But I will look like I lost a ton next week. :) I start my morning work outs week after next. Sharry's middle school is right next to the gym. So I will drop the kids off at school and work out before going home. Whoot! *gulp*
I am getting a bit better on my prayers this week. And with leaving Walgreen's I will be in church on Sunday morning!!!!
Gosh! I had a good week! How excited am I!?!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Working on Faith
I was heading into work the other day and saying my prayers as I drive. *It is about the only time I have that is quiet.* I prayed to God that I was afraid Vance and I were not doing the right thing with me prematurely quiting Walgreen's and all. That I was afraid we were not going where He wanted us but where we wanted us.
Later that day I was told that Walgreen's has phased out Assistant Managers all together in Ohio. This from a pharmacist in that area. I am taking that as God's sign to me that we are doing His will. I also could not help but inwardly gloat that my prediction of MGT's no longer being a part of the Walgreen's plan was accurate. If they stay with that or decide against it as a result of their efforts in Ohio, I am not so concerned about now. But I do feel that I made quite a connection with God that day and am less concerned about making the right move in our lives.
Now, I have to finish putting it in God's hands to worry about what is coming next. Sitting back and letting it happen has not been my strongest quality. I am a bit of a control freak. But I need to give up that control so God can guide us. After all, he can see the road and I am really only looking at the car in front of me. It is much safer to let him drive. He can see farther in front than I.
With three shifts left that has been on my mind a lot these past few days. Hope I can be in a better mood.
Later that day I was told that Walgreen's has phased out Assistant Managers all together in Ohio. This from a pharmacist in that area. I am taking that as God's sign to me that we are doing His will. I also could not help but inwardly gloat that my prediction of MGT's no longer being a part of the Walgreen's plan was accurate. If they stay with that or decide against it as a result of their efforts in Ohio, I am not so concerned about now. But I do feel that I made quite a connection with God that day and am less concerned about making the right move in our lives.
Now, I have to finish putting it in God's hands to worry about what is coming next. Sitting back and letting it happen has not been my strongest quality. I am a bit of a control freak. But I need to give up that control so God can guide us. After all, he can see the road and I am really only looking at the car in front of me. It is much safer to let him drive. He can see farther in front than I.
With three shifts left that has been on my mind a lot these past few days. Hope I can be in a better mood.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Whew. I made it back.
I missed a few blogs. Got a little lost there. I guess it happens. Not too happy I did it, but glad that I am back. So, let me tell you what I have been up to. I think you will see I am still making progress.
One of the reasons I seem to fail at loosing weight is I just plain give up. Between the cravings and learning a new routine and all the hassle of getting started, I tend to can the whole thing after about a month. I am proud to say, I muscled through it and I am still on my diet. *cheers* I am officially 259! I have lost a bag of potatoes! I am not getting to the gym hardly at all. But I did wear my skates to work last night. Wow, was I pooped at the end of that shift! And I am taking the kids to the rink on Tuesday. I cannot wait! But I really need to do my weight training. Grr I am frustrated with myself on the whole get moving thing. But I have had a lot going on the past few weeks.
I went to visit my cousin a couple of weeks back. She was by best friend growing up. Once you got us in the same zip code there was no way we could be parted until time to go home. Heck once you got us in the same STATE! Well, the visit was terrific and I discovered that her older sister (the cousin I have never really known because she is 10 years older than me) is really awesome too. Talk about great! I can honestly say that was a life changing trip for me. I am much less scared of my family. But that would be a whole other blog so on to the next thing.
I have turned in my resignation at Walgreen's and my last day is this coming Friday. I am excited and terrified at the same time. Walgreen's has been key to my families ability to turn around. They took us from seven people living in a two bedroom trailer to a four bedroom condo. Between Walgreen's and the volunteer work my parents put in towards us we would never have made it this far. I know we owe it all to God. But letting go of Walgreen's is turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I am glad I am getting out. Working from home is going to be much better for the kids development and Vance's job has much better benefits. I know it is the right move. But I am confident in my abilities at Walgreen's and not so confident in my medical transcription. Logic says I will get much better. My self worth is just the opposite. But here I go. *JUMP*
I have not been praying like I should. I really only get one in about every three days and most of the time it is just a quick "hey, how are you" and I am off again. When I do remember to say "Lord please be my strength," I have a much easier day. But getting it through my head seems to be harder than it should be. I guess it is the devil in side of me holding me back. I have not been finding the time which is the problem really.
I seem to be trying to put everything off until school starts. I must kick my own @$$ to get back on track. I believe it is fear making me cop out so much. I have two days off soon and three more days of Walgreen's. Then my time management will be a whole new ball park. Wish me luck!
One of the reasons I seem to fail at loosing weight is I just plain give up. Between the cravings and learning a new routine and all the hassle of getting started, I tend to can the whole thing after about a month. I am proud to say, I muscled through it and I am still on my diet. *cheers* I am officially 259! I have lost a bag of potatoes! I am not getting to the gym hardly at all. But I did wear my skates to work last night. Wow, was I pooped at the end of that shift! And I am taking the kids to the rink on Tuesday. I cannot wait! But I really need to do my weight training. Grr I am frustrated with myself on the whole get moving thing. But I have had a lot going on the past few weeks.
I went to visit my cousin a couple of weeks back. She was by best friend growing up. Once you got us in the same zip code there was no way we could be parted until time to go home. Heck once you got us in the same STATE! Well, the visit was terrific and I discovered that her older sister (the cousin I have never really known because she is 10 years older than me) is really awesome too. Talk about great! I can honestly say that was a life changing trip for me. I am much less scared of my family. But that would be a whole other blog so on to the next thing.
I have turned in my resignation at Walgreen's and my last day is this coming Friday. I am excited and terrified at the same time. Walgreen's has been key to my families ability to turn around. They took us from seven people living in a two bedroom trailer to a four bedroom condo. Between Walgreen's and the volunteer work my parents put in towards us we would never have made it this far. I know we owe it all to God. But letting go of Walgreen's is turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I am glad I am getting out. Working from home is going to be much better for the kids development and Vance's job has much better benefits. I know it is the right move. But I am confident in my abilities at Walgreen's and not so confident in my medical transcription. Logic says I will get much better. My self worth is just the opposite. But here I go. *JUMP*
I have not been praying like I should. I really only get one in about every three days and most of the time it is just a quick "hey, how are you" and I am off again. When I do remember to say "Lord please be my strength," I have a much easier day. But getting it through my head seems to be harder than it should be. I guess it is the devil in side of me holding me back. I have not been finding the time which is the problem really.
I seem to be trying to put everything off until school starts. I must kick my own @$$ to get back on track. I believe it is fear making me cop out so much. I have two days off soon and three more days of Walgreen's. Then my time management will be a whole new ball park. Wish me luck!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
An Emotional 4th
This week was a challenge that I did not do so good with. I kind of fell apart.
I had to work for the Fourth of July. The rest of my family went up to my in-law's farm and had hay rides and went fishing and had a huge cook out. And I was at work navigating the field between customers and co-workers who all seem to want a piece of me lately. So I tried to sweeten my co-workers up and bought everyone a bucket of KFC which no one ate. I think two pieces of chicken and one helping of potatoes were consumed. So with the two whammies on that day, I took the leftovers home and ate a little over half the bucket. Hell, I had five pieces before I even left work.
So for the rest of the week, I had to deal with the consequences and have intense craving for just about all foods. It was not any one thing I was craving. I was literally craving ALL food. The little one point cheese snacks I have in the fridge. Leftovers from spaghetti to fried chicken to hamburgers. My brother's frozen dinners were tempting and so was a ton of cereal I bought because I am up to 8 people in my house again. I don't even like cereal! I think God finally stepped in last night and took it away from me because I am feeling better today. That was a long two days of intense desires to eat myself stupid. I really just wanted to hit that food coma stage and wallow in it.
Now, as I type this out, I am realizing that it was not the food I was craving at all. It was that food coma state. You have all been there I am sure. Thanksgiving is popular for it. The time when you eat so much that your mind kind of goes numb and your body tries to go to sleep, with or without you. It is similar to the feeling after a beer or two but you don't have to suffer through choking down a beer. You get to enjoy all the wonderful flavors that foods and spices can create. You are sitting there and can barely acknowledge anything other than how full you are. Everything else just stops existing. That is what I have been craving.
Good grief! God grants me this insight to myself and what did I do all week? I felt sorry for myself. I think I prayed twice. An both time for someone else. Sitting around bossing God around and mopping about. Not opening up to God and letting him take care of things. Nope, not this week. I was a brat to God this week. Does the Lord's Prayer teach us to pray for God to send us the things we need first? "Our daily bread" first then we pray for our friends and fellow humans. This week I kind of wallowed in my gluttony and vanity. At least I woke up again. And I know God will forgive me though I am not sure why.
Speaking of forgiveness. I did try to reach out to my oldest daughter this week. That seemed to fail. Judging by the short and restrained angry snips she sent back to me. I am going to have to operate on the idea that she still views me the same way she has since she turned 18. All I would get from her would be a bunch of hateful and hurtful comments and twisting of the truths. I am not sure what I was expecting, she is still feeding her birth mother information to mess with us about. The woman actually tried convincing us that my husband did not go train in Nashville for his AT&T job but spent the entire three weeks in bed with her. So he must have learned is job by osmosis and somehow keep her fat mouth shut for the two hours we talked on the phone every night? After this kind of behavior and my daughter wonders why her sister says she is just like their birth mother. I keep getting attacks that I am abusive and a terrible person and so on. I have to learn to walk away and let God deal with them the best he can. But these behaviors still just tear me up. To find out the things my daughter is saying and the way she portrays me. I am certain I ruined her life by adopting her. Sure she will say something different to my face but she has turned lying in to a hobby. There is no way to know what is really there because you cannot take her words at face value. So her actions say .... well that just hurts too much to really get into.
I did not get to exercising like I am supposed to do. I only went twice this week. The minimum is supposed to be three times a week. Between the food and the lack of exercise definitely explains the 0 pounds lost and maybe even the week long pity part. And I did not even finish a chapter in my studies this week. Geez, I only managed an hour of study time all week. I generally get 10 hours in. Something is going to have to give soon. I am going backwards in my goals. I feel I am at a choosing point to either stand up and fight or lay down and die. Lord, I need your help!
I had to work for the Fourth of July. The rest of my family went up to my in-law's farm and had hay rides and went fishing and had a huge cook out. And I was at work navigating the field between customers and co-workers who all seem to want a piece of me lately. So I tried to sweeten my co-workers up and bought everyone a bucket of KFC which no one ate. I think two pieces of chicken and one helping of potatoes were consumed. So with the two whammies on that day, I took the leftovers home and ate a little over half the bucket. Hell, I had five pieces before I even left work.
So for the rest of the week, I had to deal with the consequences and have intense craving for just about all foods. It was not any one thing I was craving. I was literally craving ALL food. The little one point cheese snacks I have in the fridge. Leftovers from spaghetti to fried chicken to hamburgers. My brother's frozen dinners were tempting and so was a ton of cereal I bought because I am up to 8 people in my house again. I don't even like cereal! I think God finally stepped in last night and took it away from me because I am feeling better today. That was a long two days of intense desires to eat myself stupid. I really just wanted to hit that food coma stage and wallow in it.
Now, as I type this out, I am realizing that it was not the food I was craving at all. It was that food coma state. You have all been there I am sure. Thanksgiving is popular for it. The time when you eat so much that your mind kind of goes numb and your body tries to go to sleep, with or without you. It is similar to the feeling after a beer or two but you don't have to suffer through choking down a beer. You get to enjoy all the wonderful flavors that foods and spices can create. You are sitting there and can barely acknowledge anything other than how full you are. Everything else just stops existing. That is what I have been craving.
Good grief! God grants me this insight to myself and what did I do all week? I felt sorry for myself. I think I prayed twice. An both time for someone else. Sitting around bossing God around and mopping about. Not opening up to God and letting him take care of things. Nope, not this week. I was a brat to God this week. Does the Lord's Prayer teach us to pray for God to send us the things we need first? "Our daily bread" first then we pray for our friends and fellow humans. This week I kind of wallowed in my gluttony and vanity. At least I woke up again. And I know God will forgive me though I am not sure why.
Speaking of forgiveness. I did try to reach out to my oldest daughter this week. That seemed to fail. Judging by the short and restrained angry snips she sent back to me. I am going to have to operate on the idea that she still views me the same way she has since she turned 18. All I would get from her would be a bunch of hateful and hurtful comments and twisting of the truths. I am not sure what I was expecting, she is still feeding her birth mother information to mess with us about. The woman actually tried convincing us that my husband did not go train in Nashville for his AT&T job but spent the entire three weeks in bed with her. So he must have learned is job by osmosis and somehow keep her fat mouth shut for the two hours we talked on the phone every night? After this kind of behavior and my daughter wonders why her sister says she is just like their birth mother. I keep getting attacks that I am abusive and a terrible person and so on. I have to learn to walk away and let God deal with them the best he can. But these behaviors still just tear me up. To find out the things my daughter is saying and the way she portrays me. I am certain I ruined her life by adopting her. Sure she will say something different to my face but she has turned lying in to a hobby. There is no way to know what is really there because you cannot take her words at face value. So her actions say .... well that just hurts too much to really get into.
I did not get to exercising like I am supposed to do. I only went twice this week. The minimum is supposed to be three times a week. Between the food and the lack of exercise definitely explains the 0 pounds lost and maybe even the week long pity part. And I did not even finish a chapter in my studies this week. Geez, I only managed an hour of study time all week. I generally get 10 hours in. Something is going to have to give soon. I am going backwards in my goals. I feel I am at a choosing point to either stand up and fight or lay down and die. Lord, I need your help!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I knew this was going to happen
Well, week two of my diet came with cravings and loss of only one pound. But I knew this would be the tendency because I have been an avid watcher of Biggest Looser for a few years. I benged twice this week too, so that did not help. But at least I lost a pound.
I did manage to go to the gym three times this week, which was good. I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow. Maybe I can get a clue. So far, all I have really managed to do is loosen up my joints a little so I feel more feeble. I am trying to remember this gets better. I am remembering why I never make it very far when I do this kind of thing. The second week is very discouraging. But I had cheese this morning, so I am feeling a little less depressed. *happy face*
Not really made any other break through on my spiritual growth this week. I am still having to make an active effort to pray daily. I miss it being second nature. You would think that missing the routine would make getting back to it easier. But, not the fact for me.
The Lord has been good to us this week all the same. A HUGE maple tree cut my brother's house in half this week (hence the benging). But, thanks to knowing an owner of a tree company through work, we got it taken out rather quickly. My dad has kind of taken over the repairs while I take care of my brother. I know that God is involved here because my dad's reaction is not normal for him and my brother is doing terrific, plus I did not fall apart during the whole tree removal thing (not my forte). So things are as good as they could be in regards to dealing with a storm fiasco.
I missed out on a good deal of studying this week, but I did manage to get some more in yesterday. I always feel better when I study. There is just something about it. I am going with God's grace. This has been a test of faith for me too. I am terrified to let go of my current job. I no longer enjoy it and most of the time I feel I am not allowed to be part of my family so long as I still work there. But, there is a sense of security there. I mean, I am not going to make quite as much at my new job at first, and I am giving up my benefits. It will take me a little to get a routine going and bring in a comparable pay check. So, I am trying to put the fear in God's hands and just do my part. God has this all planned out. I need to just relax and go with it. The control freak in me is finding this difficult.
So I have completed two weeks of taking my life back to a place where I am a whole person once again. Time to press on. Wish me luck! See you soon!
I did manage to go to the gym three times this week, which was good. I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow. Maybe I can get a clue. So far, all I have really managed to do is loosen up my joints a little so I feel more feeble. I am trying to remember this gets better. I am remembering why I never make it very far when I do this kind of thing. The second week is very discouraging. But I had cheese this morning, so I am feeling a little less depressed. *happy face*
Not really made any other break through on my spiritual growth this week. I am still having to make an active effort to pray daily. I miss it being second nature. You would think that missing the routine would make getting back to it easier. But, not the fact for me.
The Lord has been good to us this week all the same. A HUGE maple tree cut my brother's house in half this week (hence the benging). But, thanks to knowing an owner of a tree company through work, we got it taken out rather quickly. My dad has kind of taken over the repairs while I take care of my brother. I know that God is involved here because my dad's reaction is not normal for him and my brother is doing terrific, plus I did not fall apart during the whole tree removal thing (not my forte). So things are as good as they could be in regards to dealing with a storm fiasco.
I missed out on a good deal of studying this week, but I did manage to get some more in yesterday. I always feel better when I study. There is just something about it. I am going with God's grace. This has been a test of faith for me too. I am terrified to let go of my current job. I no longer enjoy it and most of the time I feel I am not allowed to be part of my family so long as I still work there. But, there is a sense of security there. I mean, I am not going to make quite as much at my new job at first, and I am giving up my benefits. It will take me a little to get a routine going and bring in a comparable pay check. So, I am trying to put the fear in God's hands and just do my part. God has this all planned out. I need to just relax and go with it. The control freak in me is finding this difficult.
So I have completed two weeks of taking my life back to a place where I am a whole person once again. Time to press on. Wish me luck! See you soon!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
First week.... Geeze that was one week?!
Well I completed my first week of Weight Watchers and found myself praying two to three times a day. But God got me through it and I lost 7 pounds. Nice, right? The problem is, that was one long week!
So I am not an excited dieter. I about mugged one of my employees when she offered me gum. Poor lady at first was scared and then could not stop laughing at my excitement over gum. So, maybe I do not have this "how to eat my points and not be hungry" figured out yet. God got me through it and I am just gonna have to learn what makes this work for me. I am sure to be on it for over a year. Then I will have to learn how to maintain it. *gulp* One step at a time.
I did get a test in on my studies this week. Yet again, I was almost late for work because I got caught up in my studies. I really cannot wait for this career change. I am just as scared of it though. I know it will take me some time to get in a groove. I hope to get there quickly. Our budget needs it to be quick. So does my ego, I am ashamed to admit.
What has been the thing to slip through the cracks is my attitude. I did try to make sure I did something completely for someone else, everyday. I also made an effort to change my way of praying. Asking for permission instead of asking for wants. Asking for inspiration instead of the rewards that come at the end of my goals. I still find myself being vane at times and trying to ask for my wants and not what God wants. Those thoughts really cloud my heart and block out what the Lord is trying to say to me. But I know I would not have made it through this week without Him. So He must have forgiven me.
I get to weigh in again next Thursday. Oh boy. Please hold on to me Lord. I need your strength.
So I am not an excited dieter. I about mugged one of my employees when she offered me gum. Poor lady at first was scared and then could not stop laughing at my excitement over gum. So, maybe I do not have this "how to eat my points and not be hungry" figured out yet. God got me through it and I am just gonna have to learn what makes this work for me. I am sure to be on it for over a year. Then I will have to learn how to maintain it. *gulp* One step at a time.
I did get a test in on my studies this week. Yet again, I was almost late for work because I got caught up in my studies. I really cannot wait for this career change. I am just as scared of it though. I know it will take me some time to get in a groove. I hope to get there quickly. Our budget needs it to be quick. So does my ego, I am ashamed to admit.
What has been the thing to slip through the cracks is my attitude. I did try to make sure I did something completely for someone else, everyday. I also made an effort to change my way of praying. Asking for permission instead of asking for wants. Asking for inspiration instead of the rewards that come at the end of my goals. I still find myself being vane at times and trying to ask for my wants and not what God wants. Those thoughts really cloud my heart and block out what the Lord is trying to say to me. But I know I would not have made it through this week without Him. So He must have forgiven me.
I get to weigh in again next Thursday. Oh boy. Please hold on to me Lord. I need your strength.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Epiphany..... *glup*
Today during my morning meditations, I something finally clicked in my head that may fellow OA goers kept trying to tell me. I am starting to understand it some now.
I have to be interested in myself enough to do this, and get God's help. The epiphany was that I have to take an interest in my self. Then I realized that I am gonna need a lot of help with that!
I have always thought that taking an interest in yourself was a combination of vane and selfish. I guess I still kind of feel that way. I am realizing that if you do not actively take an interest in yourself, those sins are going to find their way into kind of exploding out of you. Out of control.
I have been convincing myself that I do not need things or time to myself, that all my goals should be directed to what I am on this earth for. I have amazing kids and a great husband, right?! I need to spend every moment doing something that is going to give them a better life. Here is where the clue hammer was thrown at me from heaven. The obsession with food; the anger with not feeling like I can buy something that makes me feel good about me; the sudden spouts of depression and crying the first few minutes I start to get some attention or a pat on the back, this is all a reaction to not taking time to be interested in me. This is the sin taking control of me and making life less than what God wants for me.
So I prayed for forgiveness that I did not have my faith in God and that I thought I new better. Then I asked for help, because breaking my vanity is not going to be easy.
I find it ironic that I was torturing myself in efforts to not be vane and I realize that those efforts are exactly what make me vane. I thought that my actions were the only vanity there was. But my vanity is in my attitude that I knew how to run my life better than God.
I have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get myself to the life God wants for me. He has provided everything I have ever wanted in life. A husband who is my best friend. A house full of wonderful children. A good home and a nice life. It is a dream come true! And then I sit down and pout because why? I pout by depriving myself of self worth and then eating until I feel better about me. Well, I am never gonna feel better about me until I stop pouting. No wonder I am over 100 pound over weight.
I have to be interested in myself enough to do this, and get God's help. The epiphany was that I have to take an interest in my self. Then I realized that I am gonna need a lot of help with that!
I have always thought that taking an interest in yourself was a combination of vane and selfish. I guess I still kind of feel that way. I am realizing that if you do not actively take an interest in yourself, those sins are going to find their way into kind of exploding out of you. Out of control.
I have been convincing myself that I do not need things or time to myself, that all my goals should be directed to what I am on this earth for. I have amazing kids and a great husband, right?! I need to spend every moment doing something that is going to give them a better life. Here is where the clue hammer was thrown at me from heaven. The obsession with food; the anger with not feeling like I can buy something that makes me feel good about me; the sudden spouts of depression and crying the first few minutes I start to get some attention or a pat on the back, this is all a reaction to not taking time to be interested in me. This is the sin taking control of me and making life less than what God wants for me.
So I prayed for forgiveness that I did not have my faith in God and that I thought I new better. Then I asked for help, because breaking my vanity is not going to be easy.
I find it ironic that I was torturing myself in efforts to not be vane and I realize that those efforts are exactly what make me vane. I thought that my actions were the only vanity there was. But my vanity is in my attitude that I knew how to run my life better than God.
I have a lot to learn and a lot to do to get myself to the life God wants for me. He has provided everything I have ever wanted in life. A husband who is my best friend. A house full of wonderful children. A good home and a nice life. It is a dream come true! And then I sit down and pout because why? I pout by depriving myself of self worth and then eating until I feel better about me. Well, I am never gonna feel better about me until I stop pouting. No wonder I am over 100 pound over weight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Waiting........
So I am just passing time until Friday so I can get paid and start my plan to loose weight. I take out my old OA book and then think "not today." Hmmmmm, pretty sure that is not how it is supposed to work. But I hope to read my inspiration before bed.
I did work on my studies this morning and was really enjoying them until it was time to go to work. I acctually miss my studies. I don't know if I really find it that enjoyable or if I just get excited about getting out of reatil. Either way, I will take my study time as a win.
I was going to make a point of talking to my boss about where we are standing on lay-off possiblities, but I chickened out. I am afraid that if I tell him I want to be laid off, the work environment will get worse. On the other hand, if I do not talk to him that I want a lay off, then that option may pass by me. Grrr. Confusion. I guess that one is a stailmate today.
So, one paus, onw win and one stailmate. I am going chuck today up as finished.
I did work on my studies this morning and was really enjoying them until it was time to go to work. I acctually miss my studies. I don't know if I really find it that enjoyable or if I just get excited about getting out of reatil. Either way, I will take my study time as a win.
I was going to make a point of talking to my boss about where we are standing on lay-off possiblities, but I chickened out. I am afraid that if I tell him I want to be laid off, the work environment will get worse. On the other hand, if I do not talk to him that I want a lay off, then that option may pass by me. Grrr. Confusion. I guess that one is a stailmate today.
So, one paus, onw win and one stailmate. I am going chuck today up as finished.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Plan
I just got back to town from our first ever family vacation. Married for 14 years and we just now got a vacation in. WOW! Still, it was so much fun! Now it is time to put my plan into work. *sigh*
To start, I have to address the parts of life that I can no longer stand.
1. I hate my job.
2. I hate the way people look at me, especially when I grocery shop and eat out. You get certain looks and responses form people when you have 100+ pounds to loose.
3. I am always tired.
4. I am managing a good deal of muscle and joint pain daily.
5. I am a little on the conceded side as I tend to think people's negative statements are always about me.
What to do? Change my life. Good grief! This should be easy. *not*
So, I know that three of these things that disappoint me in life are due to the fact that I am 120 pounds over weight. My doctor has told me to use the Weight Watcher system. He told me this about three years ago. Maybe more. Well as it turns out this is a $20 monthly fee. So I am to start this next paycheck. Which is Friday.
Also I need exercise. There is a new 24hr workout place about four miles down the road that is $15 a month. Both together is $35. Still less than the $65 at most gyms around here and I will not have that blasted trainer staring at me like I have no business being there.
I also hope to get back into OA once I am out of the retail biz.
That is item 2, 3, and 4.
I am schooling for item 1. I am enrolled in an on-line school for medical transcription. A career change that will let me have the time I need for my kids. Whoot!
I love my studies but finding time for it has been very hard. Granted, I am down to three kids in the house now and that helps but it is still hard to part time school, full time work and full time parent.
I have been thinking of going to my boss and asking for a lay-off since they keep threatening it any way. And are now discussing cutting my hours by 5 - 10 hours (as I understand it.) I do not think they are set on these actions but they are considering. Still, hate working my butt off for possibly getting things taken away from me no matter what I do.
And that leaves item 5. I need help with this one for sure and there is only one place to go for that. GOD! So I need my butt back in a pew. For me to get there I have to take care of item 1 first as I have been told I have to close every Saturday and open every Sunday. This makes church impossible for me. And I hope to start volunteering for something but I have no idea what.
So that is my goal and I could use all the prayers I can get.
To start, I have to address the parts of life that I can no longer stand.
1. I hate my job.
2. I hate the way people look at me, especially when I grocery shop and eat out. You get certain looks and responses form people when you have 100+ pounds to loose.
3. I am always tired.
4. I am managing a good deal of muscle and joint pain daily.
5. I am a little on the conceded side as I tend to think people's negative statements are always about me.
What to do? Change my life. Good grief! This should be easy. *not*
So, I know that three of these things that disappoint me in life are due to the fact that I am 120 pounds over weight. My doctor has told me to use the Weight Watcher system. He told me this about three years ago. Maybe more. Well as it turns out this is a $20 monthly fee. So I am to start this next paycheck. Which is Friday.
Also I need exercise. There is a new 24hr workout place about four miles down the road that is $15 a month. Both together is $35. Still less than the $65 at most gyms around here and I will not have that blasted trainer staring at me like I have no business being there.
I also hope to get back into OA once I am out of the retail biz.
That is item 2, 3, and 4.
I am schooling for item 1. I am enrolled in an on-line school for medical transcription. A career change that will let me have the time I need for my kids. Whoot!
I love my studies but finding time for it has been very hard. Granted, I am down to three kids in the house now and that helps but it is still hard to part time school, full time work and full time parent.
I have been thinking of going to my boss and asking for a lay-off since they keep threatening it any way. And are now discussing cutting my hours by 5 - 10 hours (as I understand it.) I do not think they are set on these actions but they are considering. Still, hate working my butt off for possibly getting things taken away from me no matter what I do.
And that leaves item 5. I need help with this one for sure and there is only one place to go for that. GOD! So I need my butt back in a pew. For me to get there I have to take care of item 1 first as I have been told I have to close every Saturday and open every Sunday. This makes church impossible for me. And I hope to start volunteering for something but I have no idea what.
So that is my goal and I could use all the prayers I can get.
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