An Emotional 4th

This week was a challenge that I did not do so good with. I kind of fell apart.

I had to work for the Fourth of July. The rest of my family went up to my in-law's farm and had hay rides and went fishing and had a huge cook out. And I was at work navigating the field between customers and co-workers who all seem to want a piece of me lately. So I tried to sweeten my co-workers up and bought everyone a bucket of KFC which no one ate. I think two pieces of chicken and one helping of potatoes were consumed. So with the two whammies on that day, I took the leftovers home and ate a little over half the bucket. Hell, I had five pieces before I even left work.

So for the rest of the week, I had to deal with the consequences and have intense craving for just about all foods. It was not any one thing I was craving. I was literally craving ALL food. The little one point cheese snacks I have in the fridge. Leftovers from spaghetti to fried chicken to hamburgers. My brother's frozen dinners were tempting and so was a ton of cereal I bought because I am up to 8 people in my house again. I don't even like cereal! I think God finally stepped in last night and took it away from me because I am feeling better today. That was a long two days of intense desires to eat myself stupid. I really just wanted to hit that food coma stage and wallow in it.

Now, as I type this out, I am realizing that it was not the food I was craving at all. It was that food coma state. You have all been there I am sure. Thanksgiving is popular for it. The time when you eat so much that your mind kind of goes numb and your body tries to go to sleep, with or without you. It is similar to the feeling after a beer or two but you don't have to suffer through choking down a beer. You get to enjoy all the wonderful flavors that foods and spices can create. You are sitting there and can barely acknowledge anything other than how full you are. Everything else just stops existing. That is what I have been craving.

Good grief! God grants me this insight to myself and what did I do all week? I felt sorry for myself. I think I prayed twice. An both time for someone else. Sitting around bossing God around and mopping about. Not opening up to God and letting him take care of things. Nope, not this week. I was a brat to God this week. Does the Lord's Prayer teach us to pray for God to send us the things we need first? "Our daily bread" first then we pray for our friends and fellow humans. This week I kind of wallowed in my gluttony and vanity. At least I woke up again. And I know God will forgive me though I am not sure why.

Speaking of forgiveness. I did try to reach out to my oldest daughter this week. That seemed to fail. Judging by the short and restrained angry snips she sent back to me. I am going to have to operate on the idea that she still views me the same way she has since she turned 18. All I would get from her would be a bunch of hateful and hurtful comments and twisting of the truths. I am not sure what I was expecting, she is still feeding her birth mother information to mess with us about. The woman actually tried convincing us that my husband did not go train in Nashville for his AT&T job but spent the entire three weeks in bed with her. So he must have learned is job by osmosis and somehow keep her fat mouth shut for the two hours we talked on the phone every night? After this kind of behavior and my daughter wonders why her sister says she is just like their birth mother. I keep getting attacks that I am abusive and a terrible person and so on. I have to learn to walk away and let God deal with them the best he can. But these behaviors still just tear me up. To find out the things my daughter is saying and the way she portrays me. I am certain I ruined her life by adopting her. Sure she will say something different to my face but she has turned lying in to a hobby. There is no way to know what is really there because you cannot take her words at face value. So her actions say .... well that just hurts too much to really get into.

I did not get to exercising like I am supposed to do. I only went twice this week. The minimum is supposed to be three times a week. Between the food and the lack of exercise definitely explains the 0 pounds lost and maybe even the week long pity part. And I did not even finish a chapter in my studies this week. Geez, I only managed an hour of study time all week. I generally get 10 hours in. Something is going to have to give soon. I am going backwards in my goals. I feel I am at a choosing point to either stand up and fight or lay down and die. Lord, I need your help!