It has been quite a week or so. My life adjustment goal are all falling flat. Not going away but falling flat. I am feeling rather lost lately.
My step-mom keeps trying to get me to agree that me and my family are loosers. My studies have taken a sharp turn down and are going much slower than they should. My diet is a yo-yo form day to day. And my depression is kicking my butt. I have not made any progress on my forgiveness quest. It has been frustrating.
I failed the last test I took with a MAJOR 51, took it so hard that I slumped into a bad depression spin for two days. I am just now pulling out if it. Vance's benefits package goes into effect in Feb. Which means he will be bringing home less money. I HAVE to be working by then. If I am not done with my studies I am going to have to go back to the retail business. I really do not want to do that.
I did loose a pound again this week. Loosing a pound a week since Thanksgiving week where I gained eight. I guess that is not bed. But I do feel like a bad person and let me explain why. My mother in law nearly had a heart attack last week. They got her to the hospital before a full on infarction could happen. This is great! Her heart is bad, so my father-in-law watches her like a hawk. But I am kind of glad that it happened. Due to this the holiday menu has been changed to something I can manage on my diet. So I am a bit glad my mother-in-law had some heart trouble. Seems so very selfish of me and I feel like a terrible person. But there it is.
I was trying to make plans with one of my friends that I owe an apology too. I think she is coming to town to visit her family but I cannot afford my cell phone bill which is my only way to reliably get in touch with her. I really wanted to apologize in person. She is one of those who is a primarily texting person. I really think she deserves better than a texted apology. She has been my friend since the fourth grade and she deserves better than and abbreviation of an apology.
Right now I am in maintenance mode and am going to try to manage my depression well enough to not be a damper on my Lords birthday party. Baby steps. Just get through Christmas and Henry's birthday and I will not have any other special events until my working deadline. If I can get through to the February deadline then I will have quite a bit of stress off of me. I just hope I can do it holding my head up and not hanging it low.
Until next week! Wish me luck!.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
It has been a whirlwind kind of week. It seems as though everyone is having a hard time with the holidays this year. Even the cats are a little cranky. I think I am going to keep this one short. I really have not put much thought to my inner improvement this week.
I did loose three of the eight pounds I gained during thanksgiving. Whew! At this rate I will be back below 250 just in time for Christmas dinner. My prayers are dwindling again, but I am still working on it. I have not made any progress with my pride issues. That is it in a nut shell. Now I am off to try and plan out what is left of our holiday budget.
I did loose three of the eight pounds I gained during thanksgiving. Whew! At this rate I will be back below 250 just in time for Christmas dinner. My prayers are dwindling again, but I am still working on it. I have not made any progress with my pride issues. That is it in a nut shell. Now I am off to try and plan out what is left of our holiday budget.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Happy Holidays... *gulp*
Thanksgiving kicked my butt!
I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.
I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.
I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.
This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.
On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.
I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.
Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!
I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.
I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.
I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.
This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.
On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.
I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.
Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!
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