Crazy week for this past week. Getting all the kids ready for school. Trying to adjust to student mode instead of earning money mode. Getting some spiritual rightness solidified in my head. Trying to acknowledge what is in my heart. Big stuff.
Where to start? Well, I generally start with my diet, so I will start there. I hit 256 this week which was my last goal. Next I will hit 250. I wonder every time I set a short term goal, "Am I going too light on myself?" I get very confused over the short-term goal thing. And then I will hear that little self-defeating voice in my head saying "I have not really lost anything, this has all been water weight. A hamburger would make me feel better about it." I am starting to think of that voice as the devil's influence. I can get so obsessed with food sometimes that is seems nothing else exists.
The preacher at church is doing a sermon series he is calling Higher Places. What he means is the things we tend to idolize until they suddenly become more important than God. At that point you are worshiping an idol. I know two of mine. Unfortunately, neither are ones you can quit. Food and money.
Now, I have not let money get me too far away from God. But I was heading there. I was convincing myself that my job, the money I made, was most important. God blessed me with a wonderful bunch of children, and I have always believed that they are what God wants of me. But my job had me working nights and weekends. So I never saw my kids. I was convinced that there was no other way to support my family. On top of that, I was starting to think that if I could just make enough money, than my kids would be better off. I was thinking that they needed the money more than they needed me. And all that I was worth was what I was making. In just the one week I have been home from Walgreen's, there has been a huge difference at home. The idea of making more money to get things, was blinding me from the blessings and responsibility God gave me. It really took my husband pushing me to take the leap, for me to break from my path to idolizing money. I was convincing myself that money was better than being a mother to my kids. I am glad that I did not finish that path. We still need money, that will never change. I will still need to bring in a good amount of it, but I need to do it in a way that does not take me away from God's plan.
I have touched on how I idolize food. I have made food what controls my emotions, what controls my day, what controls a large part of my life. I turned food into my strength. God should be my strength. If I could stop eating I would. Tough through a few weeks of withdrawal (probably a few times), join a support group and remove it from my life. However, you don't live much of a life if you don't eat. Sure, someone might look at this and say, "there is always a liquid diet," but that person simply does not understand where I am coming from. Hopefully they never will. Idolizing food has made me a really good cook. Perk! But it is breaking down my body and literally killing me. My legs hurt most of the time. My feet hurt most of the time. I am depressed and have mood swings. I am tired most of the time. My idea that food cures everything is wrong. If I am craving really bad, I forget to pray. Something my husband has been struggling to get me to see for years. I do not mean just at the table. I stop praying. Food can pull me away from God which means I am putting food before God. I am trying to change this. Part of why I started this blog.
I am not sure if I am in danger of any other higher places but it is possible. I know that to stop obsessing about food is going to be a battle for a while. And I will need God's help for that. I have been getting it, so I have hope for forgiveness. Maybe I am not as far gone as I fear. God loves me and I want to stay on this earth and enjoy the blessings God has granted.
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