I am BAAAACK!

OK,WOW! It has been so long since I blogged that they changed the whole set up of Blogger. Dang!


 I guess I should explain. After my last post about my forgiveness problems with my oldest daughter, I received a rude and slightly threatening letter from her at-the-time boyfriend. My husband called them and told them to lay off me, and from the end of the conversation I herd they were claiming the blogging was all about trashing my daughter and getting the world to think of her in a bad light. Like the world is interested in what I have to say. Really this is my reflection time and I know a few of my friends who find courage in the fact the they are not the only compulsive eaters out there. That life's difficulties driving them to eat is not really a freak show kind of thing. So just in case there is any question to anyone else out there, my troubled relationship with my oldest daughter drives me to binge, This is not a slam blog. I am just not into that. 


 But there has been progress in this matter. OH A LOT OF PROGRESS! I have gone from anger and feeling of fear and threat from her to pity and no respect. Maybe I will be able to close the book on the driving force behind this that makes it an obstacle between me and tearing down my worship of food. 


 My daughter and her boyfriend broke up and he kicked her out. She had burnt every bridge of support she had in one year. So my brother-in-law lead the posy to go get her and bring her home. I went straight into severe depression, constant panic and suicidal mode.( My strong beliefs keep me from acting on that last one.) The only silver lining for that first week would be that I was so upset I could not eat and lost six pounds.


 In dealing with her for the past two-and-a-bit weeks my feelings have changed. Thanks to my husband's determination to hold my hand through this and show me that he is not going to divorce me per her request, I have let go of a great deal of pain and fear and I am willing to say that I have pretty much forgiven her. She still is trying to convince me of one thing and acts to the direct contradiction which makes me sad. But with some of the things she has said, the talks we have had as a family and the drama she is stirring up in the household, I no longer feel responsible for her destructive and abusive behavior. It is just the person she is and I pity her for it.


 So I am going to give her as much support as I can without encouraging the drama or leading her down another year-long failing path. Her decisions are hers, not that she will acknowledge that yet, but one day she will have no choice. Until then, there really is nothing I can do for her other than let her make me that person who is stalled and held back by fear and anger. I don't want to be that person, and I can see now that I am not the person she plays that I am. It is no more my fault that she turned out the way she has, than it is my mother's fault that my brother was struck with a mental illness. (By the way my brother has turned out pretty damn awesome! He deals beautifully with the invisible challenges he faces that most of us could never conquer were we faced with his illness.) I am actually hoping, if my daughter learns that she is the way she is due to illness, perhaps he will be able to be the roll model he yearns to be for people.


Her feelings and self-depriving actions no longer have a driving force behind them to lead me to compulsive binge like they did. Don't get me wrong, I am still at the mercy of this issue. After all, I ran to Food City yesterday and ate six of their fried hot wings from the deli. But the driving force behind that is more of concern as to the influence she has over the three children I am still raising and protecting. I have to protect them from her issues. This is why she has a time limit of three weeks.


 I will pray that God can send her someone who can help her. Who will help her take off her blinders and see the world and the people for what and who they are instead of what she wants them to be. It is all God's creation and not man's. And it is so much more than any one person could ever imagine. To miss all of it because of pure determination is just a shame.


It has not been easy, and it is still absolutely terrifying, but I have managed to grow and am wanting to work more on defeating the road blocks in my life that are keeping me from God's wishes for me and that hold me back from taking control over my food instead of turning to food as some sort of faults savior.


For this week:
1. Back to weight watchers.
2. Back to the gym.
3. Back to finding the "pebbles in my shoes".
4. Back to discovering me.