Happy Holidays... *gulp*

Thanksgiving kicked my butt!

I have had two major breakthroughs over the past two weeks. One on the forgiveness front and one on the weight front. Well, not that much on the weight front but revelations are progress.

I really did not do too bad on what I ate for Thanksgiving. For the day, I only gained two pounds. Then came the leftovers. I gained nearly eight pounds during the four days after Thanksgiving.
My Mother-in-law makes amazing stuffing that is probably a weeks worth of calories in two scoops. I happen to love it with a slice of cranberry sauce on top. When she makes it, she makes a large roasting pan full. Now I am not talking the roasting pans you get free with a new oven. I am talking the roasting pans that you buy to roast the turkey in. You know, the ones that are six inches deep! Well she keeps telling me that I am going to learn how to make it. I have been resistant until now since I love it so much. Kind of hard for me to make something and not really be able to eat it. But I have a new logic after this Thanksgiving. Maybe if I am handed the stuffing to make I can cut the recipe in half and not be left with gallons of left overs.

I have a dear friend who I have been talking to who also is struggling with the overwhelming urges to overeat. She asked me about what I thought of the diet I am using. I gave her some tips I have recently came up with. During the conversation, I realized that I am doing that age old trick of mine called "biting off more than I can chew." I told her to change little bits of the diet once a month. As I was describing this, I realized that I am making my self stick to that for too long. I generally cave after the second week and then I barely loose anything for the rest of the month. Well, the clue hammer hit me that I should be changing the little variations in my diet every two weeks. After all, that is how long it take for the average body to adjust to a new intake of whatever (food, medications, etc.). So to keep a loosing streak, I am going to try to keep my body guessing and change it up every two weeks.

This gaining control over what controls you is definitely a learning process.

On the forgiveness front, I also am taking a different approach. Trying to work through my major issue on an affront to myself, I decided to flip the table on myself. I was sliding into a hole and just making myself worse on the path I was on. So, I began to realize that I struggle with forgiveness in general. I have begun to apologize for behaviors of my own that I feel I should have asked for forgiveness for long ago. Things that have embarrassed me for years. Most of it has been either high school or during the time that my mom died. I found that most of these people have a hard time remembering the event I am apologizing for. I am not sure if they are being honest or if they just are trying to be nice somehow or maybe I am embarrassing them by bringing it up again. I don't know, but it has been a real learning process about my faith in others and about how my own soul has been dealing with forgiveness. There are things I may never be able to forgive myself for either due to the other person passing on or I am just not able to let it go yet. I am stubborn as hell and not very forgiving past my tolerance line, no matter who crosses the line, loved one, friend or myself. This has not been an easy thing for me to learn about. I am guessing that is the devil at work making it so hard.

I am going to move forward on my path to becoming the person I want to be. Not everyone is liking the me I am working to become but I feel in my heart that it is what God has asked of me. In that alone, I feel I may make it through this.

Have a good week yourself, and wish me luck!

Major goal hit this week!

I am so very happy to announce that I finally dropped below 250 this week! This means I lost 38 lbs in five months. Not the rate I was hoping for but still making progress. But more importantly, I am making progress on my goal of replacing compulsive eating with God.

Since I have started this journey, I have begun to realize that idolizing food is more common than it first appeared. I have talked to many people who turn to overeating or starving instead of God to try and solve there problems.

When you break it down simply, how can anyone expect carb overload to help them solve their stress, their anxiety, or their grief? Yes, when you eat you get that endorphin high. You think you feel calmer as your body tries to get you to conserve energy while it switches to digestion overdrive. But those endorphins wear off and you still have your stressors that God should be helping you with, not the three helping of mashed potatoes and double chocolate cake. You try to give food the power of God and ignore God altogether.

The same is true for starving. You are replacing God's help with the high you get from using your self-discipline to overcome your body's basic needs. But as you feel the power-trip that you are able to out-will your body's needs, again it will wane off and you'll still have all those stressors that you are keeping from God. Instead of slowing down because your body simply cannot hold all your weight, you slow down because your body has nothing to work with. Granted, I do not understand this concept on a personal level because I am a compulsive overeater, but I can empathize about the struggle because the drive behind it is the same.

Making food your higher place is deadly. You either waste away to nothing or crush yourself with your own weight. It is not pretty but it is the price you pay for faults idols.

The biggest challenge for me as a compulsive overeater is that I am addicted to food. Generally, if I become obsessed with a particular something, I stop, full stop, and that solves the problem. Not always easy but the best way for me to have control over the problem. Well, I cannot stop eating all together. So the tricky part is that I have to continue eating and keep from worshiping my food instead of God.

I have the concepts, and I am happy to say I have abstained from overeating for a full two weeks now! Go me! I am praying better but still not as I should be and not to the point I was before I began worshiping food. But I am moving forward and if any of what I have said has struck a cord in any of you, my friends, than I feel good about sharing my troubles with you.

This is not an easy blog to type up for me, sharing my faults and stressors. I truly feel that I have a message that could help some people draw closer to God or even realize how worldly things can come between man and God. If I am able to help in this manner with even one person than this blog is so worth it!

Thanks for listening and see you next week!
(Thanksgiving has me quaking in my boots.)

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...

I was so excited this morning when I stepped on the scale and I had finally lost some weight. I guess my plateau has finally passed. I lost two pounds last week! Much better than the one pound last month.

Ah, the holidays are approaching. I love giving gifts! Those wise men started a great tradition! Unfortunately it is going to be slim gifts this year but it will still be a great time. Aren't birthdays awesome? But I will admit that I am terrified about the meals. I do love to eat! That is kind of my problem. But I also love putting up the tree! Shinny and sparkly! And the time it take with the kids and all the "I remember when we got this ornament!" It is a big part of the bonding for me. (I think we should have hot chocolate while we put the tree up this year.) And we are starting to develop a new tradition as the kids get older. We make the Santa treats just like we always have and even set it up next to the fire place. Then we gather all the stocking stuffers and frantically wrestle with each other's stockings as we try to stuff them and keep the other person from peeking. Then we all share the Santa treat! I truly hope to do this when there are grandchildren pretending to be asleep somewhere near.

We are going to have most of the family for turkey dinner. And my husband wants to have my eldest daughter for Christmas. I am not too happy about that but I think I can manage it for a day.

I had been working on trying to forgive her for her actions and most of the time I ended up crying my eyes out. It is hard to forgive someone who is not looking for forgiveness but feels completely justified in their transgressions against you. (Can forgiveness be given without there being remorse?)
Therefore, I am taking a different step and hope that perhaps the forgiveness will follow. I am now trying to accept her opinion of me. If I can figure out how to be comfortable with the fact that she thinks I should not be part of the family, maybe I can let go how hurt I am. It is just who she is. I did my best and she certainly did not like it. I cannot do any more. Our relationship is just that, dislike and distrust. It is what it is and we have to learn to live around that. No mater what happens, she is a huge part of my heart. Even if I do as I usually do and just never go around the people who actively work against me, she will still always be with me. I may have adopted her and not actually birthed her, but she is still my daughter in my heart.  I have always believed that holidays are for pulling family together.
My husband has a similar relationship with one of his brothers. The brother in question tried to take my stepson away from my husband. Katie tries to take all my kids from me. Hubby does not deal with it, but I have to. There is a part of me that resents that, but there is a part of me that knows I do not need to do this for other people. I just really wish I knew how to do this.

Well that is the holidays, the good, the bad and the ugly. I hope I can enjoy this holiday season and manage to keeping bringing down my higher place of food. Seems like a lot to manage but I have a feeling it is not more than most people have to manage. We all have a balancing act of family, friends and money during this time of year. It is a big part of what makes the Holidays exciting.

Iit's me again Margaret.

Here we are once again at my weekly blog time. This week just flew by for me. 

Halloween, ate too much but got plenty of exercise. It must have balanced out because I did not gain any weight. 

Spent the week getting Hattie ready for her new life as a legal adult. We got her college stuff ready and have been planning her birthday weekend. I am hoping she will throw in a little gift for me too and come to church with us on Sunday.

I did learn something this week but I do not really know what it means. I have talked previously about how I am struggling with my feeling toward my daughter and wanting to want to forgive her (that sounds strange). I learned that if I meditate on it for too long then I will spin myself in the exact opposite direction. I was working on trying to come to terms with how she has treated the family for the past three years and ended up extremely angry and crying for a day straight. I guess I am not going to be able to move forward on this until I see something that shows that she cares about the family and not just herself. Shoot, she does not even seem to care for herself from what I have seen. Whatever she is going through, I cannot grasp.

Well, there you go! That is all there was to me this week. No profound philosophy this week. 

Big birthday weekend. My girl turns 18 tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Moving forward, Slowly but surely.

Let me get the simple stuff out of the way first.
Yippy! I stayed on track at the gym this week. The only exception being today. Go me!
I tracked my diet much better this week. Still not perfect but I am making better progress each week.
My youngest daughter finished up her volley ball season and is thinking of soccer in the spring. My middle daughter got her college acceptance letter this week! Whoot! My son's grades are much better and he is even up to his own grade level of reading! The changes I have made in my efforts to giving my children a better life seems to be working! It makes me feel good about my choice to quit my retail job. Being available to my children has made such a big difference. Sure, the money is not as dependable, but the kids do not care. They are fine with not getting as many trinkets. As a matter of fact, they have not even seemed to notice. I had gotten so lost about what I should be doing as a mother. It took my husband pushing me to do the right thing and seeing the difference for myself to learn that I was letting my kids down by putting my job before my mothering. I will never forget what my husband has given me by putting his foot down about my job. The Lord really blessed me with that man!

Now to the bigger section of my blog. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this week about my food problem. And about what is the root of the whole problem. The bible is full of stories that tell that God grants abundance to those who are loyal to Him. I don't think anyone can dispute that America is blessed (until recently). With those blessings comes the opportunity for the devil to work in his favorite ways, using Gods blessing against you.
My sin is gluttony. I am a compulsive over eater.  The blessings God gave this country of an abundance of food, I managed to turn  into a higher place. But my gluttony is not the only way the devil uses this blessing. I have a new, dear friend who suffers from anorexia. In talking to her about her struggles, it seems to me that the devil will also use pride to turn food into a higher place. If you are susceptible to pride and have very little control over your life, I can see how the ability to control food intake could become your higher place as well. Be it pride or gluttony, turning food into a higher place will kill you. It will either waist you away or crush you. Really the basics are the same.

I have spent the last several years looking for someone else to fix me in this problem I have. I am just now starting to realize that there is not any man out there who can help. It is completely up to God and I. I have taken the first step and acknowledged that I am a compulsive over eater. I have a deadly problem. I am working on letting God guide me. I am not all that great at this part yet. I still fall back into the trap that I am just wasting God's time (that is the devil whispering in my ear). I am still having to remind myself to not put my own short comings on God as though he suffers from them too. I am working on giving over myself to God and relying on His strength and not my own, which has already failed me time and time again.

Things to try this week:
1. Take a few minutes before each meal to meditate and pray. Not just thank God for the blessing of food but also for His strength to eat to live and not live to eat.
2. Read a little in my new self help book about compulsive over eating.
3. Research about where an OA meeting that I might be able to attend may be. (Maybe drag my brother to it with me.)

Getting back to normal, or at least where I'd rather be.

I am happy to announce that I am on my second week of antidepressants and vitamins. My idea of reading while I workout did in fact get me back to the gym, and I finally lost some weight! Above all else I made another spiritual gain too! Good week even though I was still rather grumpy for half of it.

I finally got myself to try taking a book and reading while on a bike for 20 min. It is awesome! I enjoy the books so much  that I barely notice the 20 minutes tick by. As a matter of fact, I think if there was not the timer on the bike I would keep going and loose track of my time management. Can we day "muse found?" Yes we can! I have gone every day this week! True, I do not get my weight training in this way, but it is definitely better than not going at all.

Two days ago I was finishing up a Christian romance novel, Daughter of Joy: Brides of Culdee Creek, Book 1, during my workout. There was a quote from one of the characters that finally made what I have been working on realizing hit home. "Don't limit the Lord with your own shallow perceptions of Him, or assign Him a level of compassion equal only to yours." That is exactly what I have been doing! I could not accept for forgiveness because I know I am going to sin again and it is likely it will be the same sin. I figured that I would not be able to be forgiven after a while. I know I get sick of the same transgressions over and over again. I eventually chuck it up to a bad egg and move on. But God is not like me. I am limited by sin and my earthly body. After all, is that not what I am doing here writing this blog? I am trying to improve my body so I can live the life God intends for me. Life is short and I have spent half my life morbidly obese.
So, I am finally accepting God's forgiveness and am letting go of a lot of my guilt. I hope I can build on this and start forgiving some of the people who have hurt me so bad. Trying to find that line between forgiveness and trust. You can forgive someone, but that does not mean you have to fall for the same transgressions again.   But how do you do that? Especially when it is your own child who has turned against you and hurt you. My children and husband are my reason for living. And my own child tried to have me removed from the home for child abuse. If it were not for the authorities talking to my other kids first, she would have succeeded. I had less pain when my mother died. I do not know what to do with all of this, or how to forgive it. I so badly want to take her in my arms and just let it all go. But I also feel to do that means I have to give up my other three children, and I cannot.

I stuck to my diet pretty good for four days and I lost some weight finally. Gee, imagine that! I actually work the program and I get results! I am down to 253 and am very excited to be making progress once more. I hope to break 250 next week.

Yesterday I finished my third course! WHOOT! Course four has some anatomy left to do but is also a lot of little stuff like how to use e-mail. It should go much faster. I cannot wait to start making money again! There is a part of me that was thinking I should have done billing and coding because those thought processes come more naturally to me. Then I realize that I would get tired of it sooner and I feel better about my choice.

I am feeling so much better that I believe I will set some week long goals again, instead of the one day at a time method.
1. Reach 250 pounds.
2. Get back to reading my devotionals.
3. Try to get some time for my brother.
4. Finish the Halloween costumes.

Wish me luck!

Here it is again. Darn it.

Hello again!

I suppose I should just get this out in the open. I struggle with mild depression. I feel so silly about it. I have two brothers who are schizophrenic, they have to deal with so much more than I do that it seems ridiculous to me that I struggle with it at all. I mean it really is not all that bad. Sure, I get the stupid thoughts of suicide from time to time but my faith in Jesus and that if I can just get to heaven it will all go away, well I am not messing that one up. I am glad to say I only gave it a stab once and I was a teen at the time so really it was more attention-seeking behavior than depression. But still, compared to having to spend the majority of the day figuring out what is real and what is illness, my little problem of self worth seems so small and insignificant. But it still puts a pretty hard spin on life when you feel like you are a waste of oxygen.

So, I have been struggling with my depression this week. I did not make it to the gym. I barely counted my points for my diet. I have only done one half of a chapter in my studies (I normally do a chapter and a half.) All I really want to do is sew and read but I did not even do much of that either. I mostly ran all over town, wasting gas and trying to outrun myself.

I am going to my brother's for lunch and to see his new furniture. I hope it turns out to be a good visit and our mental issues don't feed off of each other. Nether one of us need that.

Due to this bump in my road, I am going to scale it back from weekly goals to daily goals and just inch along for a while.

Today:
1. Do not over eat.
2. See my brother and try to not cross hairs.
3. Pick up my son from school.
4. Cook dinner.
5. Attend the church outing this evening with my husband.
Wish me luck!