Bad Kitty

Tragic week for me! I have been a bad bad kitty.  On my diet anyway.

I gained 2 pounds! I stepped on the scale and then tried it again. I did so well the second half of the week. But i guess it just does not make up for the first half of the week and going on an egg roll bender. And a cake ball bender. I tried out a cake ball recipe for a friend's birthday. They were great. So, I made some more a few days later. That same birthday party we had loompias. Traditionally these are little fried rolls of meat heaven! So I ate way too many while getting ready for the party. Then, two days latter I pulled out some more. Finally a friend of mine said I needed to figure a better way and insisted I figure out how to bake them instead. That at least help some. They were really good baked! But I still ate about 20 of them.

I managed to get to the gym three times this week. I am at the part of my plan that I am supposed to be going 4 - 5 times a week. I guess we will see. NO! Scratch that! I am doing it. I can barely lift my arms over my shoulders but I am still going. *so sore*

In summery, I started my diet weighing about 278 or so. I am down to 158. Wow! I just realized I lost two bags of potatoes. Sweet! That helped a little in getting over my 2 pound gain. I am just gonna work harder at staying to my diet this week. I am making more cake balls this weekend for a little party we are having for my youngest daughter's birthday. it s a little early but since she was born on labor day weekend, if we are gonna have friends for the birthday than we need to have it early. I cannot wait! BATH JUNKIE!!!!!! some hopefully the pops are a big ht and there will not be many leftovers.

I got back on board with praying for my diet again about Wednesday. I have had an easier time these past two days. I am also praying for my brother Jim as we come to a close on the construction on his house next week. It will be so good for him to have his house back. My husband also needs prayers as his work environment has become hostile and it is putting his job in danger. My Henry is facing quite a challenge this year as it seems that he missed out on education of any kind in 3rd grade.  I like to pray about friends who come to me with things to vent about or a shoulder to lean on, and my cousin as she is engaged with, most likely, the hardest job she will ever have. Staying at home with three very young kids. There seems to be so much going on, yet God still found the time to grant me diet strength these past few days. I am honored.

I think I am going to end on that happy note. My daughter Hattie says I need to think better of myself. Happy note endings are good for that kind of stuff.

Have a great week!

Bringing down my higher places.

Crazy week for this past week. Getting all the kids ready for school. Trying to adjust to student mode instead of earning money mode. Getting some spiritual rightness solidified in my head. Trying to acknowledge what is in my heart. Big stuff.

Where to start? Well, I generally start with my diet, so I will start there. I hit 256 this week which was my last goal. Next I will hit 250. I wonder every time I set a short term goal, "Am I going too light on myself?" I get very confused over the short-term goal thing. And then I will hear that little               self-defeating voice in my head saying "I have not really lost anything, this has all been water weight. A hamburger would make me feel better about it." I am starting to think of that voice as the devil's influence. I can get so obsessed with food sometimes that is seems nothing else exists.

The preacher at church is doing a sermon series he is calling Higher Places. What he means is the things we tend to idolize until they suddenly become more important than God. At that point you are worshiping an idol. I know two of mine. Unfortunately, neither are ones you can quit. Food and money.

Now, I have not let money get me too far away from God. But I was heading there. I was convincing myself that my job, the money I made, was most important. God blessed me with a wonderful bunch of children, and I have always believed that they are what God wants of me. But my job had me working nights and weekends. So I never saw my kids. I was convinced that there was no other way to support my family. On top of that, I was starting to think that if I could just make enough money, than my kids would be better off. I was thinking that they needed the money more than they needed me. And all that I was worth was what I was making. In just the one week I have been home from Walgreen's, there has been a huge difference at home. The idea of making more money to get things, was blinding me from the blessings and responsibility God gave me. It really took my husband pushing me to take the leap, for me to break from my path to idolizing money. I was convincing myself that money was better than being a mother to my kids. I am glad that I did not finish that path. We still need money, that will never change. I will still need to bring in a good amount of it, but I need to do it in a way that does not take me away from God's plan.

I have touched on how I idolize food. I have made food what controls my emotions, what controls my day, what controls a large part of my life. I turned food into my strength. God should be my strength. If I could stop eating I would. Tough through a few weeks of withdrawal (probably a few times), join a support group and remove it from my life. However, you don't live much of a life if you don't eat. Sure, someone might look at this and say, "there is always a liquid diet," but that person simply does not understand where I am coming from. Hopefully they never will. Idolizing food has made me a really good cook. Perk! But it is breaking down my body and literally killing me. My legs hurt most of the time. My feet hurt most of the time. I am depressed and have mood swings. I am tired most of the time. My idea that food cures everything is wrong. If I am craving really bad, I forget to pray. Something my husband has been struggling to get me to see for years. I do not mean just at the table. I stop praying.  Food can pull me away from God which means I am putting food before God. I am trying to change this. Part of why I started this blog.

I am not sure if I am in danger of any other higher places but it is possible. I know that to stop obsessing about food is going to be a battle for a while. And I will need God's help for that. I have been getting it, so I have hope for forgiveness. Maybe I am not as far gone as I fear. God loves me and I want to stay on this earth and enjoy the blessings God has granted.

One Goal Down!

I have tonight and tomorrow afternoon and then I am free from the job that has been dragging me down since they booted me out of the office and back to the stores. I will not longer be a retail reject but a Medical Transcriptionist. Go me. I cannot wait. Down side: No benefits. Up side: I will be home for the kids and I will never miss another holiday! Then there are all the other benefits that are more personal likes and dislikes that apply. I know that I will be not where I want in my skills for about 6 months to a year but I am starting a boring job that fascinates me. Kind of like when I was a Regional Pricing coordinator. (I really loved that job)

I lost one pound last week. But I am thinking I lost more than that because it is my time to pack on some weight due to water. But I will look like I lost a ton next week. :) I start my morning work outs week after next. Sharry's middle school is right next to the gym. So I will drop the kids off at school and work out before going home. Whoot! *gulp*

I am getting a bit better on my prayers this week. And with leaving Walgreen's I will be in church on Sunday morning!!!!

Gosh! I had a good week! How excited am I!?!

Working on Faith

I was heading into work the other day and saying my prayers as I drive. *It is about the only time I have that is quiet.* I prayed to God that I was afraid Vance and I were not doing the right thing with me prematurely quiting Walgreen's and all. That I was afraid we were not going where He wanted us but where we wanted us.

Later that day I was told that Walgreen's has phased out Assistant Managers all together in Ohio. This from a pharmacist in that area. I am taking that as God's sign to me that we are doing His will. I also could not help but inwardly gloat that my prediction of MGT's no longer being a part of the Walgreen's plan was accurate. If they stay with that or decide against it as a result of their efforts in Ohio, I am not so concerned about now. But I do feel that I made quite a connection with God that day and am less concerned about making the right move in our lives.

Now, I have to finish putting it in God's hands to worry about what is coming next. Sitting back and letting it happen has not been my strongest quality. I am a bit of a control freak. But I need to give up that control so God can guide us. After all, he can see the road and I am really only looking at the car in front of me. It is much safer to let him drive. He can see farther in front than I.

With three shifts left that has been on my mind a lot these past few days. Hope I can be in a better mood.

Whew. I made it back.

I missed a few blogs. Got a little lost there. I guess it happens. Not too happy I did it, but glad that I am back. So, let me tell you what I have been up to. I think you will see I am still making progress.

One of the reasons I seem to fail at loosing weight is I just plain give up. Between the cravings and learning a new routine and all the hassle of getting started, I tend to can the whole thing after about a month. I am proud to say, I muscled through it and I am still on my diet. *cheers* I am officially 259! I have lost a bag of potatoes! I am not getting to the gym hardly at all. But I did wear my skates to work last night. Wow, was I pooped at the end of that shift! And I am taking the kids to the rink on Tuesday. I cannot wait! But I really need to do my weight training. Grr I am frustrated with myself on the whole get moving thing. But I have had a lot going on the past few weeks.

I went to visit my cousin a couple of weeks back. She was by best friend growing up. Once you got us in the same zip code there was no way we could be parted until time to go home. Heck once you got us in the same STATE! Well, the visit was terrific and I discovered that her older sister (the cousin I have never really known because she is 10 years older than me) is really awesome too. Talk about great! I can honestly say that was a life changing trip for me. I am much less scared of my family. But that would be a whole other blog so on to the next thing.

I have turned in my resignation at Walgreen's and my last day is this coming Friday. I am excited and terrified at the same time. Walgreen's has been key to my families ability to turn around. They took us from seven people living in a two bedroom trailer to a four bedroom condo. Between Walgreen's and the volunteer work my parents put in towards us we would never have made it this far. I know we owe it all to God. But letting go of Walgreen's is turning out to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I am glad I am getting out. Working from home is going to be much better for the kids development and Vance's job has much better benefits. I know it is the right move. But I am confident in my abilities at Walgreen's and not so confident in my medical transcription. Logic says I will get much better. My self worth is just the opposite. But here I go. *JUMP*

I have not been praying like I should. I really only get one in about every three days and most of the time it is just a quick "hey, how are you" and I am off again. When I do remember to say "Lord please be my strength," I have a much easier day. But getting it through my head seems to be harder than it should be. I guess it is the devil in side of me holding me back. I have not been finding the time which is the problem really.

I seem to be trying to put everything off until school starts. I must kick my own @$$ to get back on track. I believe it is fear making me cop out so much. I have two days off soon and three more days of Walgreen's. Then my time management will be a whole new ball park. Wish me luck!

An Emotional 4th

This week was a challenge that I did not do so good with. I kind of fell apart.

I had to work for the Fourth of July. The rest of my family went up to my in-law's farm and had hay rides and went fishing and had a huge cook out. And I was at work navigating the field between customers and co-workers who all seem to want a piece of me lately. So I tried to sweeten my co-workers up and bought everyone a bucket of KFC which no one ate. I think two pieces of chicken and one helping of potatoes were consumed. So with the two whammies on that day, I took the leftovers home and ate a little over half the bucket. Hell, I had five pieces before I even left work.

So for the rest of the week, I had to deal with the consequences and have intense craving for just about all foods. It was not any one thing I was craving. I was literally craving ALL food. The little one point cheese snacks I have in the fridge. Leftovers from spaghetti to fried chicken to hamburgers. My brother's frozen dinners were tempting and so was a ton of cereal I bought because I am up to 8 people in my house again. I don't even like cereal! I think God finally stepped in last night and took it away from me because I am feeling better today. That was a long two days of intense desires to eat myself stupid. I really just wanted to hit that food coma stage and wallow in it.

Now, as I type this out, I am realizing that it was not the food I was craving at all. It was that food coma state. You have all been there I am sure. Thanksgiving is popular for it. The time when you eat so much that your mind kind of goes numb and your body tries to go to sleep, with or without you. It is similar to the feeling after a beer or two but you don't have to suffer through choking down a beer. You get to enjoy all the wonderful flavors that foods and spices can create. You are sitting there and can barely acknowledge anything other than how full you are. Everything else just stops existing. That is what I have been craving.

Good grief! God grants me this insight to myself and what did I do all week? I felt sorry for myself. I think I prayed twice. An both time for someone else. Sitting around bossing God around and mopping about. Not opening up to God and letting him take care of things. Nope, not this week. I was a brat to God this week. Does the Lord's Prayer teach us to pray for God to send us the things we need first? "Our daily bread" first then we pray for our friends and fellow humans. This week I kind of wallowed in my gluttony and vanity. At least I woke up again. And I know God will forgive me though I am not sure why.

Speaking of forgiveness. I did try to reach out to my oldest daughter this week. That seemed to fail. Judging by the short and restrained angry snips she sent back to me. I am going to have to operate on the idea that she still views me the same way she has since she turned 18. All I would get from her would be a bunch of hateful and hurtful comments and twisting of the truths. I am not sure what I was expecting, she is still feeding her birth mother information to mess with us about. The woman actually tried convincing us that my husband did not go train in Nashville for his AT&T job but spent the entire three weeks in bed with her. So he must have learned is job by osmosis and somehow keep her fat mouth shut for the two hours we talked on the phone every night? After this kind of behavior and my daughter wonders why her sister says she is just like their birth mother. I keep getting attacks that I am abusive and a terrible person and so on. I have to learn to walk away and let God deal with them the best he can. But these behaviors still just tear me up. To find out the things my daughter is saying and the way she portrays me. I am certain I ruined her life by adopting her. Sure she will say something different to my face but she has turned lying in to a hobby. There is no way to know what is really there because you cannot take her words at face value. So her actions say .... well that just hurts too much to really get into.

I did not get to exercising like I am supposed to do. I only went twice this week. The minimum is supposed to be three times a week. Between the food and the lack of exercise definitely explains the 0 pounds lost and maybe even the week long pity part. And I did not even finish a chapter in my studies this week. Geez, I only managed an hour of study time all week. I generally get 10 hours in. Something is going to have to give soon. I am going backwards in my goals. I feel I am at a choosing point to either stand up and fight or lay down and die. Lord, I need your help!

I knew this was going to happen

Well, week two of my diet came with cravings and loss of only one pound. But I knew this would be the tendency because I have been an avid watcher of Biggest Looser for a few years. I benged twice this week too, so that did not help. But at least I lost a pound.

I did manage to go to the gym three times this week, which was good. I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow. Maybe I can get a clue. So far, all I have really managed to do is loosen up my joints a little so I feel more feeble. I am trying to remember this gets better. I am remembering why I never make it very far when I do this kind of thing. The second week is very discouraging. But I had cheese this morning, so I am feeling a little less depressed. *happy face*

Not really made any other break through on my spiritual growth this week. I am still having to make an active effort to pray daily. I miss it being second nature. You would think that missing the routine would make getting back to it easier. But, not the fact for me.

The Lord has been good to us this week all the same. A HUGE maple tree cut my brother's house in half this week (hence the benging). But, thanks to knowing an owner of a tree company through work, we got it taken out rather quickly. My dad has kind of taken over the repairs while I take care of my brother. I know that God is involved here because my dad's reaction is not normal for him and my brother is doing terrific, plus I did not fall apart during the whole tree removal thing (not my forte). So things are as good as they could be in regards to dealing with a storm fiasco.

I missed out on a good deal of studying this week, but I did manage to get some more in yesterday. I always feel better when I study. There is just something about it. I am going with God's grace. This has been a test of faith for me too. I am terrified to let go of my current job. I no longer enjoy it and most of the time I feel I am not allowed to be part of my family so long as I still work there. But, there is a sense of security there. I mean, I am not going to make quite as much at my new job at first, and I am giving up my benefits. It will take me a little to get a routine going and bring in a comparable pay check. So, I am trying to put the fear in God's hands and just do my part. God has this all planned out. I need to just relax and go with it. The control freak in me is finding this difficult.

So I have completed two weeks of taking my life back to a place where I am a whole person once again. Time to press on. Wish me luck! See you soon!